What Comes Next?

There is a line from the musical Hamilton on repeat in my mind: 

"What comes next?
You've been freed
Do you know how hard it is to lead?
You're on your own
Awesome... wow
Do you have a clue what happens now?"

What comes next? Yesterday I turned 40 years old and I have never been so excited about a birthday in my life. I prepared all year for it, keeping track of 40 new things that I experienced. I even made my family drive with me to North Dakota so I could experience all 50 states before turning 40. Yesterday was my actual birthday, and it was a glorious day. I was in a fantastic mood all day, loved hearing from so many connections, enjoyed celebrating with my family in the evening, and positively beamed at the thought of being 40. 

Today, I woke up and realized that I am no longer looking forward to anything with quite the same vigor or enthusiasm. I am now 40, which is awesome and everything I dreamed it would be, but I am not anticipating any other events on the horizon with this same passion. 

I have stumbled my way into experiencing events younger than average. I got married when I was young, had my kids when I was young, went back to graduate school when I was young, achieved the career goals I had set for myself when I was young, developed a full head of gray hair when I was young. What does that mean for my 40s, 50s, 60s, beyond? 

A wise friend of mine said that the decades leading up to being 40 are often about attaining - graduation, marriage, children, jobs, houses, community. The decades at 40 and beyond are often about maintaining those relationships and responsibilities that you had cultivated earlier in life. And that this goal of maintaining can feel less exciting than those previous life goals. 

I still have a few goals on the horizon. I would like to write a book. I would like to develop new skills. I would like to stretch myself, experience new places, walk on new paths. But maybe for a minute, I would like to rest. All this attaining, hustling, checking boxes on lists has made me fatigued. So perhaps what comes next is to breathe deeper, notice with greater intensity, and see what speaks to me in the stillness of my heart. Perhaps what comes next is grand and innovative. Perhaps what comes next is small and simple. But I hope that what comes next fulfills my soul.