Rage Against the Machine

This is a difficult post to write. I am a nice, pleasant person with about 99% of the people with whom I interact. I am kind. I am civil. I think before I speak, and I speak with intention, compassion, and love.

The 1% of the people who do not always get the best version of me are my family members with whom I live. I love these three people more than anything in the world. I would jump into an oncoming train for them, would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat, would do anything to ease their pain.

And yet, I am not always kind when I interact with my husband and children. I am not always civil. I most definitely do not always think before I speak. I periodically blow up and start yelling. Most often it is not even the triggering issue that is the underlying reason for my anger, but other underlying anxieties, worries, annoyances, grievances that have built up that I am letting loose. Cereal bowls with milk left on the living room floor are annoying, but my level of rage is often completely out of proportion. Sleeping in and having difficulty waking up in the morning is not an ideal habit, but is not the end of the world. Engaging in too much screen time is embarrassing to me, but I could handle it in a much calmer and more reasoned manner than I do.

Part of my problem is I am hesitant to voice frustrations. I simmer slowly instead, letting annoyances arise until they boil over.  My dedication to trying to be "nice," ironically, results in me acting in ways that are far crueler when I end up blowing up days later. My family would all appreciate it if I were to mention problems when they first began instead of letting issues go unchecked and then snapping.

Why share with the entire world my innermost demons? Partly for accountability - in writing about my problem with periodically blowing up on my family, I am committing to holding myself to a higher standard. But partly to shine a light on my inner home, that the version of the person you see on the streets may not be the same person you see behind closed doors.

Thank you for reading yet another public blog entry that should probably be a private journal post. I wish you well with whatever private demons you are facing.