I once read an article on how, instead of encouraging girls to “lean in,” we
should start encouraging our boys to “lean out.” The premise is we give a
message to girls they can be anything boys can be – but the
worst thing a boy could be would to be emasculated by liking something a girl
enjoyed.
I
can relate to this sentiment. I have a son who eschews most traditional
masculine pastimes. He does not enjoy sports, either as a spectator or a
participant. He is not interested in wrestling or martial arts. He is not even
interested in the endeavors permitted for “nerdy” boys – he has no interest in
programming or cording or Robotics. He is his own person.
My
son’s interests would likely raise few eyebrows if shared by a girl. He enjoys
drawing, pottery, art. He loves to swing, bounce on the trampoline, splash in
the pool. At recess at school, he enjoys playing imaginative, cooperative games
with his fellow peers. After school, he and his friend run through the gravel
track, climbing high on the newly installed giant climbing structure. He plays
the saxophone and has taken a cooking class. He is involved in
our club’s 4-H chapter and attends church services regularly. He has taken part in Future City and Math Counts at school.
Daniel’s
interest make him a fully unremarkable, average girl – but one who stands out,
is noteworthy, is unusual for a boy. The lack of interest in sports by itself
makes Daniel stand out a bit, but, combined with his apparent disdain for any
type of computer-related activity as well makes him a square peg in a round
hole. It is difficult to know where to place him, how to categorize him, what
this projects about the future.
Even
I, an attempting-to-be-nonjudgmental person,
have gotten spun up at times about my son’s lack of societally endorsed
interests. From a young age, I was convinced I just needed to search
harder to find the right sports activity that was the ideal fit. I paraded Daniel
through gymnastics, soccer, t-ball, martial arts, cross-country, basketball,
swimming, golf, tennis, and undoubtedly more I have forgotten. In fact, the
only sport I know for a fact that Daniel never tried was flag football, and I
would have even encouraged that endeavor had I thought it might be successful.
But none of these activities stuck. Daniel is naturally physically active, and his lack of interest in organized sports struck me as odd, unsettling,
some failure on my part for my inability to match up his interests with
the right organized activity.
But
then I wonder, what is wrong with that? What is wrong with being a boy who
enjoys climbing on the Neptune at recess and bouncing on our giant trampoline
and exploring the creek wearing sloshy rain boots and running across the
sidewalk to check out the worms that have emerged? What is wrong with being a
boy who loves school and delights in learning new knowledge and would rather
draw up an imaginative creative picture than code a computer program? What is wrong
with being a boy who would rather be drawn by his own interests than by what
society dictates?
Nothing.
Nothing is wrong with that. Only our society’s version of what being a boy
entails is so small, so thin, so narrow, that it is so easy to get caught up in
what those slender confines allow that it is easy to miss the magnificent
creature right there, who refuses to be pigeonholed by societal expectations,
who is unafraid to just be himself. And what a tragedy that would be if we
failed to celebrate that victory.
