Five Mistakes I've Made with No Regrets

A strong ribbon in the narrative we tell ourselves and our children is that if we make all of the right choices and go down a so-called "optimal" path, that nothing bad will ever happen. That is, of course, a lie. But I also think there is a strong message that if we ever make a mistake and make a decision that is less than optimal that our life is somehow doomed or off course. So much of my own life consists of decisions that no guidance counselor would ever advise a student to make. But very often these same decisions are what have guided me, molded me, and shaped me into the person I am today. Such as . . .

5. Get Married at 18. This is something that no one in the History of Ever would recommend. I mean, I can't in good faith advise it as a blanket recommendation, either. But I had no doubt when I met Will that we were destined to spend our lives together, and I have no regrets over beginning that journey at a very young age.

4. Officially Change my Major 5 Times. I graduated (still in 4 years, thankfully) with 171 undergraduate credits and a double-major in Accounting and Finance, thanks to a very meandering path that I took to get there. I would never have ended up in my dream career if I had not first explored other options.

3. Had a Child at 24. Okay, this is one that I don't think of as a mistake at all - but did you know that official governmental statistics on teen pregnancy include births where the mother is as old as 24? Even if you are married, own a home, work as a CPA, and have a graduate degree, you, too, can still be counted as part of the teen pregnancy numbers. No regrets.

2. Gave Up Everything at 25. This is still surreal to think about - that after working so hard to establish security, that Will and I chose to sell our house, move away from family, and take our 1-year-old baby with us to move to Florida so that we could live as poor PhD students. I think of this as the single-most life-shaping decision that Will and I ever made together, even as I still wonder if I would have the same courage to do it again.

1. Choose to Work at a Less Prestigious School. I feel very awkward sharing this one, but here it goes. When I graduated with my PhD, I was fortunate enough to have 9 job offers at universities across the country. Some of them were at universities that some might consider as more prestigious than K-State. All of them paid better than K-State. But I thank God each and every day that I chose to work here, live here, and do life in this community.

I truly do not think there is one right path, one right answer, one right decision for each of us. Instead, God is with us and works with us in whatever circumstances we may find. And for that, I am truly and completely blessed.

The Graveyard of Our Former Selves

I was thinking today about how we can change over time, but our old labels and visualizations of ourselves remain stuck in time. Here are 10 examples of attitudes or behaviors or characteristics that can be found in the Graveyard of my Former Self:

10. Be On Time or Early - I am going to blame this on living in Florida, where a seminar at 9 a.m. meant "at 9 a.m., everyone should think about maybe start heading to the other building." And it is probably unfair to blame at on Florida, because I have lived in Kansas again for much longer where everyone is always early and yet I am still late now sometimes....

9. Send Handwritten Thank You Notes - Oh gosh, I used to be good at this. SO good at this. I am now such a terrible thank-you note-writer that there was a long stretch of years where, I am ashamed to say, no one got thanked in writing. I do all right with e-mail but I still absolutely stink at handwritten thank you notes. For everyone I have neglected to thank, please know how much you are still appreciated! 

8. Rely on Books for Answers - When I first had children, I was going to be the Best Parent Ever because I was going to Read All of the Right Books. Um. Yeah. I haven't given up reading parenting books, but I have lowered my standards to thinking that if I just learn one new nugget of wisdom, the book was a success. 

7. Weigh Too Little to Donate Blood - This is a classic example of how your body image at one point in time can get stuck. I still have it in my mind that I can't donate blood because I don't weigh enough, even though that hasn't been the case for, oh, forever. I think my mind is holding on to this ridiculous excuse because it sounds much better than admitting that my fear is, "Maybe the phlebotomist is secretly a vampire and he is going to drain all of my blood! All of it!!"

6. Play the Violin and Piano - I still think of myself as a violin player, but I have seriously not touched my violin since high school. And the piano. Oh, the piano! We bought a real actual piano when we moved to Manhattan that I love with all of my being...and yet it seems like I rarely make time to play. 

5. Cook Meals - I keep telling Will that I really, truly used to cook home-cooked meals when I was in middle and high school. I promise. Unfortunately, after 20+ years of no evidence of this statement, he has quit believing me. :)

4. Be Super Shy - I was very shy growing up. I still think of myself as shy, but really I think that is something that I have slowly shed over time, and that being an "introvert" isn't really the same as being "shy" anymore. 

3. Eat Super Healthy - I was a unique child of the 1980s, with parents who were so healthy that they were  anti-trans fats (aka partially hydrogenated soybean oil) before trans fats even had a name. My typical lunch to school for 13 years was an apple, a peanut butter sandwich with natural peanut butter in which all of the oil had been drained out, and a vegetable pack with carrots, green peppers, and cucumbers. I definitely eat worse now...while society as a whole has definitely gotten much more health conscious. 

2. Be Cheap - my nickname for a long time was The Frugal Shopper. Will and I had a budget and boy, did we ever stick to it. I would sometimes hyperventilate if we had to spend money. This is another label that really no longer applies now - I buy expensive over-priced hot chocolates regularly, go out to eat way too much, and spend an amount at the grocery store that would make my former self faint. 

1. Be Super Judgmental - this is the area that I think I have come the farthest in - some from getting older, some from becoming a parent (most.humbling.job.ever). For me at least, but pre-children, oh my goodness, was I judgmental. This is something that I hope to continue becoming even better with in time, but there is nothing like being in a mortifying situation to realize that Everyone is Winging It and is just trying the best they can. 

What about you? What would you find in the Graveyard of Your Former Self, good or bad? 

Seven Reasons Why I Will Never Quit Facebook

I wrote a blog post yesterday on reasons why Facebook is Slowly Killing Me. One of my best friends wisely commented that I must get some joy out of the platform, or else I would not use it. That is completely true. I absolutely love Facebook and will never quit, even when the site frustrates me at times. Here are seven reasons why....

7. Staying in touch with long-lost friends. I have dear friends from times we have lived other places whom I am able to stay in touch with on a day-to-day basis. It feels at times like we never left.

6. Making new friends. There are some people - even in Manhattan! - whom I know much better on Facebook than in real life. I treasure these interactions and would miss them if I were to quit interacting on the site.

5. Groups. Being involved with groups is one of my favorite parts of Facebook. Several are ones that are spin-off from other boards (Runners' World, BabyCenter), some of them are ones that I started (Academic Moms, moms of teen girls, moms of elementary boys), and others are ones that I joined (Church Ladies, another moms' group). Interacting with these groups is one of the highlights of being online for me.

4. Polls. I started posting polls on my page around 2014, and I absolutely love it. I love seeing a glimpse into people's lives and learning facts about them that people would not usually share. About half the time, friends request polls, and I try to come up with questions the other half of the time.

3. Community involvement. I feel like I am much more in touch with what is going on with our community because of Facebook. When do tickets go on sale for the local theater production? When does registration open for kids' art classes? All on Facebook.

2. Seeing pictures. Okay, I love ANYTHING my friends post - but I especially love seeing pictures of kids and families and babies and happy memories. This is true both of long-lost and nearby friends, as well as casual acquaintances and bosom buddies. It's all wonderful.

1. It's helped me find my voice. This last one is a bit unusual - but, believe it or not, I used to be a pretty private person. Or at least more private than I am now. Posting and interacting on Facebook has helped me open up, figure our my voice, and share who I am with the world.

So, in a nutshell, even though Facebook annoys me (and all of us) at times, the joy I obtain from the platform far outweighs the negatives. And for that, I am grateful that it continues to be a part of my life.

What about you?

Seven Reasons Why Facebook is Slowly Killing Me

I love Facebook. I have been on the platform since around 2005 or 2006. My blog writing has decreased in the past several years because I am posting more of my random thoughts and polls and pictures on Facebook. I have totally drunk the Kool Aid.

But like any outlet, there are some rather nefarious consequences. Here are my thoughts on Seven Reasons Why Facebook is Slowly Killing Me:

7. It knows everything. I swear I can THINK about something, and the next thing I know, an ad for the product I just thought of shows up in my feed.

6. The ads make me sad. Maybe this more of a function of me than the ads. But when I am struggling with body image issues, and every.single.ad seems to be How to Get a Bikini Body, I feel like any issues I have are just more compounded.

5. I compare my kids too much. My kids are their own people. They are not very interested in organized activities. But for some reason, seeing pictures of children who are not only participating in sports, but appear to LIKE doing so, makes me feel like I need to somehow do something differently as a mom.

4. The news is overwhelming. I have recently "hid" all of the news outlets that I previously followed. I love being informed - but I love being sane even more. A constant barrage of negative news just increased my anxiety.

3. I feel left out at times. This is ridiculous, because I have a perfectly wonderful life. But sometimes I will see pictures of a social gathering in which I was not invited to, and feel sad or down about being left out. I realize this is not a valid feeling, because of course 100% of people cannot be invited to 100% of gatherings. But it's a true emotion.

2. I worry that I post too frequently. This is actually a real worry, because I DO post VERY frequently. But it takes some of the joy away when I am constantly worried that I am annoying people.

1. Seeing people argue crushes my soul. Why do I read the comments for anything? WHY? All it does it brings me pain and makes me physically feel ill to see people arguing. I do not normally encounter people arguing in my everyday life, so seeing it online makes it that more intense.

**************

All of this to say, I love Facebook and will hold onto it until my last dying breath (or until, perhaps, Facebook itself dies). But as with all things, moderation and balance are key. Because even something you love can slowly kill you at times. ;)