The 54 Books of 2018

This year, I read 54 books, and as the year draws to a close, it is fun to reflect back on them. I post my reviews and ratings on Goodreads as I read them, but next year, think I am going to post on Facebook as I read as well. Here are my 54 books read - those with an asterisk (*) were in my Top 10 favorites of the year!

1. Dear Martin, by Nic Stone (a book recommended by a library list) - My first book of 2018! Our library started this really cool service where they will give you a personalized reading list. You fill out a profile and they recommend books based on what you like. This one was recommended because I enjoyed “The Hate U Give” - also a YA novel about police shootings/brutality. Short but very engaging!

2. Turtles All the Way Down, by John Green (a book about anxiety) - A YA novel about a teenage girl with OCD and anxiety. I thought the portrayal of her intrusive thoughts was really well done. I was less captivated by the story of a missing billionaire. But still an enjoyable read - much better than “Paper Towns.”

3. The Dry, by Jane Harper (a murder mystery) - I haven’t read a murder mystery in a long time and I think this was just what I needed. Very engaging and well-written. The description of the Australian landscape and environment was particularly well done.

4. Same Kind of Different as Me, by Ron Hall and Denver Moore (a book by two different authors) - I just joined a new book group that read this book. It’s a non-fiction story told in alternating voices, between a millionaire and a homeless man, and about how their lives interact and influence each other. Very inspirational. My one beef is that the writing was very casual, almost conversational, and that was a bit distracting at times.

5. Everybody Lies, by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz (a book based on data analytics) - This is a book on data analysis - a lot like “Freakonomics,” but primarily looking at correlations between big data (such as google searches) and behavior. Lots of interesting anecdotes. Sometimes the jokes/writing style were a bit distracting, but overall, a fun read.

6. How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind, by Dana K, White (a self-help book) - A friend recommended this book and it was just perfect for me, as someone with “Slob Vision.” The basic point was to have small daily routines like doing the dishes and having a 5-minute pickup routine each night. I think people who are naturally organized wouldn’t get much out of this, but for people like me who struggle, there were lots of lightbulb moments.

7. The Sellout, by Paul Beatty (a satire) - This was the most bizarre book. We read it for book club this month, or else I wouldn’t have finished it. The book is a satire of race in America. I think? It was definitely a satire, but the plot of a black man who decided to reinstate slavery and re-segregate the schools was just .... bizarre.

8. The Perfect Nanny, by Lelia Slimani (a book translated from French) - This book was the winner of France’s top literary prize and is the story of a nanny who ultimately kills the two children under her care (that is literally the first sentence of the book, so not a spoiler!). The book itself is more of a character study than plot-driven. Very well-written, but I was unsatisfied by the ending.

9. Dying: A Memoir, by Cory Taylor (a book on dying) - I heard about this book from President Obama’s year-end list of his favorite books of 2017. This is the fourth book/memoir on dying that I’ve read recently, and the other three were all stronger (Being Mortal, When Breath Becomes Air, and The Bright Hour). The first third of this book is focused on the narrator’s thoughts on dying and was really good. But then, the last two-thirds are random stories about her parents and life - which doesn’t tie together well.

10. The Giver, by Lois Lowry (a book Annika really wanted me to read) - My daughter loves this book and has been hounding me to read it - and I finally did. It’s a story of a dystopian society where no one feels any pain - but no one has any choices. Lots of underlying social commentary about the seductive and destructive nature of totalitarian regimes.

*11. Exit West, by Mohsin Hamid (a book on Obama’s reading list) - A novel about two young people who fall in love in an unnamed country being split apart by civil war. They flee to Greece, then to England, then to the U.S It is beautiful, provocative look at what it means to be a refugee.

12. The Book of Joy, by the Delai Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Abrams (a book that is like free therapy) - This book is the culmination between a week-long interview and collaboration between the Delai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. These men are from different religious traditions but have much in common about the ingredients needed for a joyful life - perspective, acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, generosity, humility, and humor. I felt like I was getting a free therapy session! Highly recommended!

*13. This Is How It Always Is, by Laurie Frankel (a book about a transgender child) - This is a novel about a family with a transgender child. I had never read anything from this perspective before - and learning more about the kinds of decisions such families have to make was very eye-opening. More than anything, though, it’s a really good novel about domestic life.

14. The Woman in the Window, by A.J. Finn (a psychological thriller) - This is a psychological thriller in the same realm as “Gone Girl” or “Girl on the Train” - tons of twists and turns, and nothing is as it seems. Really fun page turner!

15. On Living, by Kerry Egan (a book for church book group) - What a beautiful book!! Our church is doing a book study on this book this month - but I think anyone, of any faith or non-faith background, would love it. The author is a hospice chaplain and the book is a collection of essays on encounters with her patients. A fast read and really uplifting.

16. Forever..., by Judy Blume (a book due a research study) - Annika and I took part in a research study where we each have to read this book, and then come back and discuss. I read the book in one sitting tonight. It’s a YA novel about young love - and sex. Some fairly explicit descriptions of sex. I was worried that it would be uncomfortable, but our research study discussion was amazing! 

*17. An American Marriage, by Tayari Jones (an Oprah’s book club selection) - What a powerful book. The story focuses on a black couple who have been married about a year, when the husband is falsely accused of rape and sent to prison. The book focuses on the aftermath to him and his wife. Sad but very good.

18. Force of Nature, by Jane Harper (a mystery set in Australia) - This is a mystery novel set in Australia, and is a sequel to the novel “The Dry.” Its premise is about a group of women who go on a corporate retreat, and one woman goes missing. I thought it was well-written but a little slow and hard to get engaged with for a while. But I enjoyed reading the book.

19. Every Note Played, by Lisa Genova (a novel about ALS) - This novel is by the author of “Still Alice,” and focuses on a concert pianist in his 40s who develops ALS. The book also focuses on his relationship with his ex-wife age daughter, who are ultimately involved in his care. This book cemented that ALS is an absolutely devastating, swift, and cruel disease.

20. Lincoln in the Bardo, by George Saunders (a novel for book club) - What an odd book. I feel like I am not smart enough to fully appreciate it. The story centers around the death of Willie Lincoln (President Lincoln's beloved son) and his entrance into the "bardo," a place between life and death. I really liked the element of the novel that showed how inaccuracies and misinformation can be entered into history, but feel like I missed its larger point. 

21. The Perfect Mother, by Aimee Molloy (a thriller about new mothers) - A psychological thriller about a group of first-time moms, one of whose baby goes missing after a moms’ night out. Fast read and really nails the anxieties of new motherhood.

22. Unwanted Advances: Sexual Paranoia Comes to Campus, by Laura Kipnis (a nonfiction book for book group) - We are heading this for book group and I am really glad I read it because it brought to light issues in higher education I had no idea about - even when I disagreed with the author in places or wished it had had more statistics/data instead of several long anecdotes. The book focuses on Title IX complaints in higher education and how such processes often resemble witch trials with little due process.

*23. Sing, Unburied, Sing, by Jesmyn Ward (a novel that won the National Book Award) - This book was a National Book Award winner and is one I have checked out several times but never got around to reading. I’m so glad I gave it another go. The story centers around a family in rural Mississippi, and is alternatively told from the point of views of a drug-addicted mom and her son. The story is heart-breaking and sad. But so very good.

24. I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness, by Austin Channing Brown (a book about race)- Reflective, first-person narrative about growing up and living as a Black female. Quick read and lots of powerful examples of the kinds of microaggressions that can be exhausting to live through.

25. When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing, by Daniel Pink (a book about research on time) - Non-fiction book on research about timing - beginnings, middles, ends. For example, did you know that people whose age is 29, 39, 49, etc. are 48% more likely to run a marathon for the first time? And one study showed that the number 1 predictor is whether you like your boss is how quickly your boss responds to your email? And that the best predictor of your rating of a vacation is the end of a vacation? I love learning facts like this so enjoyed the book. The practical tips at the end of each chapter were also interesting!

26. Far From the Tree, by Robin Benway (a YA novel about adoption) - This is a YA novel about adoption - the perspective of both being a child who is adopted, as well as a mother who gives up her child in an adoption. I have no personal experience with adoption, but as an outsider, thought the book was very sweet and well done. I loved the characters and was engrossed with the story!

*27. Educated: A Memoir, by Tara Westover (a memoir) - Wow. Most engrossing book of 2018 I’ve read so far. It’s a memoir of a woman who grew up with extreme survivalist parents who later goes on to earn a PhD from Cambridge. It’s also a story of the kinds of manipulations and abuse that can make families so toxic - and the price we pay if we choose a different path from our family. Highly recommended.

28. Everything Happens for a Reason, and Other Lies I’ve Loved, by Kate Bowler (a memoir about dying) - This is a memoir written this year by a 35-year-old theology professor who discovers she has Stage IV colon cancer. It’s similar to “When Breath Becomes Air” and “The Bright Hour” but with more discussion on God/theology. A lot of the focus is on how the “prosperity gospel” can be so harmful and hurtful to people.

29. The Wife Between Us, by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen (a psychological thriller) - This is a psychological thriller in the same vein as “Gone Girl” and “Girl on a Train.” The first half is great and kept me riveted. I did not think the second half is as strong. But I still read the whole book in a day and really wanted to see how it ended, so it definitely kept me entertained.

30. Surprise Me, by Sophie Kinsella (a palate cleansing book)- I am a huge fan of Sophie Kinsella when I am in the mood for a "palate cleansing" book. This one fit the bill - light and airy and funny. I had a hard time buying the whole premise (that a wife and her husband were freaked out discovering they were so healthy that they had 68 more years together) but the book kept me entertained and was a fun distraction.

31. The Family Next Door, by Sally Hepworth (a suburban mystery) - I really enjoyed this one! It’s a suburban drama/mystery that reminds me a lot of Liane Moriarty. The book is told from the perspectives of four different neighborhood women, each of whom are harboring secrets.

*32. The Great Alone, by Kristin Hannah (a novel about Alaska) - Incredible book set in the 1970s and 1980s in Alaska and the Pacific Northwest. Its premise is on a teenage girl whose POW-released father and mother decide to move to Alaska to be off the grid and pursue a fresh start. The story my is beautiful. Much of the story is soul-sucking. I thought the last part of the book was weaker, but would still highly recommend reading it.

33. All We Ever Wanted, by Emily Giffin (a novel about teenagers and explicit photos) - This is a novel about an explicit picture shared at a party among teenagers that goes horribly wrong. The story is told from the perspective of three different narrators, which keeps the plot moving quickly. I liked how the book dealt with a lot of pertinent issues with teenagers, social media, materialism, and class.

34. Life Reimagined: The Science, Art, and Opportunity of Midlife, by Barbara Bradley Hagerty (a nonfiction book about midlife) - A friend recommended this book when I wondered if I was going through a midlife crisis. It’s a non-fiction account of how life changes during midlife, defines as ages 40-65. Much of the book was very helpful and I loved learning about the different research studies to suggest what was common during this age. However, toward the end of the book, it starts meandering more and more into the author’s own experiences and becomes less compelling. Still, recommended reading for anyone at midlife!!

35. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, by Lisa See (a novel about 19th century China) - I have figured out why I am a fairly prolific reader: I only read what I want to, and I have no shame in quitting a book. This is a book that was not for me. There was nothing wrong with it - but it did not captivate me. My book group is discussing the book tomorrow, and I wanted to be able to participate, so I kept going when normally I would have put it aside. The novel is about the life of women in 19th century China and I did learn a lot about that culture/history - just did not find it engrossing.

36. Then She Was Gone, by Lisa Jewel (a psychological thriller/mystery) - I devoured this one quickly - a fast-paced psychological thriller and mystery about a teenage girl who has gone missing 15 years ago. I read some reviews that it was predictable, but it kept me riveted, and I thought the writing quality was good, too. Recommended if you enjoy this genre.

37. Long Way Down, by Jason Reynolds (a book written in verse) - Wow. This is a YA book written entirely in verse. It is told from the perspective of a 15yo boy whose older brother is shot and killed. He is determined to avenge his death, but runs in to other people from his past who have been killed as he rides down an elevator on his way to his revenge. It’s an extremely fast read (less than an hour), but very powerful and impactful.

38. Convenience Store Woman, by Sayaka Murata (a novel translated from Japanese) - This is a novel translated from Japanese about a 36-year-old woman who has worked in a convenience store the past 18 years. She has always been odd and confused by social conventions, but working in the convenience store gives her a sense of purpose. Odd and quirky book that reminded me of “Eleanor Oliphant.”

39. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***, by Mark Manson (a self-help book) - I had read several blog posts by Mark Manson posted by friends and enjoyed them, so decided to read this book. It’s a self-help book, or really an anti-self book book with more of a Buddhist flavor. Some good nuggets buried but have decided that I am not a huge fan of books that feel like blog posts mashed together.

40. The Kiss Quotient, by Helen Hoang (a romance novel about a woman with autism) - A romance novel about a woman with high-functioning autism who hires a male escort to help her learn how to be better at relationships. The story is super cute and I love having a voice of a woman with autism. However, some of the descriptions of sec are very (!!) graphic, so read at your own risk. ;) 

41. Sometimes I Lie, by Alice Feeney (a book with an unreliable narrator) - Psychological thriller that opens with a woman in a coma trying to piece together what has happened. So many twists and turns! Highly entertaining and kept me guessing.

42. Girl, Wash Your Face, by Rachel Hollis (a book recommended by a friend) - I was a little hesitant about this one because I read reviews saying it was for privileged women with no real problems. Well. Evidently I am the target demographic, because I really enjoyed it and found it engaging. The book is divided into 20 chapters on a lie the author once believed, how she changed her perspective, and then 3 things at the end of each chapter that helped. It reminded me of reading a Jen Hatmaker book but I thought it was better written.

43. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, by Sherman Alexie (a book Annika wanted me to read) - My daughter read this novel and wanted me to read it as well. It's a YA novel about a 14-year-old boy living on an Indian reservation who decides to attend the local high school instead. Really enjoyable fast read that I think does a great job of exposing kids to another culture in the U.S.

44. I’d Rather Be Reading, by Anne Bogel (a book of essays on reading) - Sweet book of essays on what it means to be a reader. The author writes a blog that I follow (Modern Mrs. Darcy). I think this would be a fun gift book for someone who loves to read. Nothing earth shattering, but fun to think about how books and reading both influence your life.

45. The Days of Abandonment, by Elena Ferrante (a book for book club) - I had previously read My Brilliant Friend by the author and loved it. This is an earlier work and is the first-person narrative of a mom of young children whose husband leaves her. It is visceral, raw, and painful to read in parts. But it does an excellent job of portraying the emotional fallout.

*46. Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott (a book on writing) - A beautiful book full of writing (and life) advice. Best piece: “Shitty first drafts.” Also loved the ideas to start writing by documenting your childhood, the emphasis on character, and the advice to sit down each day and simply get words on the page.

47. Hunger, by Roxane Gay (a memoir of the author’s body) - A memoir focused on the author’s body, how she survived a horrible gang rape when she was 12, and turned to food as a coping mechanism and a way to become invisible. I have gained some weight recently and totally can identify with the feelings of shame and exposure when your body is not a size you would like.

48. Sweet Little Lies, by Caz Frear (a police procedural murder mystery) - a murder mystery told from the perspective of a police detective. Lots of twists and fun to read a book set in London while we were visiting there.

*49. Where the Crawdads Sing, by Delia Owens (a nature, coming of age, and mystery novel) - an absolutely beautiful book, riveting to the very end. The author has written non-fiction nature accounts before, but this is her first novel - the descriptions are beautiful.

50. An Absolutely Remarkable Thing, by Hank Green (a sci-fi novel about fame) - the author is the brother of famous YA author John Green. A sci-fi novel at its core, but really an examination of the price of fame as told by the snarky narrator.

51. Almost Everything: Notes on Hope, by Anne Lamott (an introspective book of observations) - An introspective book on the author’s observations about life, death, writing, faith, and more. Much of the writing is beautiful, such as the line, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you." My one quibble is that much of the themes and takeaways are repetitive from earlier works, but I think that is true of any introspective writing by the same author.

52. Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury (a classic I never read before) - I never read this book in high school - or anytime on my own. My daughter read this in her 9th grade English class and wanted me to read it, too. It’s a classic sci-fi novel about a future where books are outlawed and firemen ban books. Timeless and many of the themes are amazingly relevant today.

*53. Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Start-Up, by John Carreyrou (a nonfiction account of a recent fraud) - I absolutely devoured this book. It reads like a thriller, but is an extensive non-fiction account of the scam behind a company, Theranos, and its CEO and founder, Elizabeth Holmes. Theranos purported to change the face of laboratory blood testing with machines that could test finger-pricks worth of blood - but it was beset by an array of problems and was ultimately an sham company. Absolutely recommended!!

*54. Factfulness, by Hans Rosling (a book on global health and misconceptions) - My last book of 2018, and one of my favorites! I picked this up when I saw that Bill Gates was lauding it, and later saw it on Obama's favorite list for the year. I think it deserves all of this attention. The book is written by a Swedish doctor/public health researcher and is about the current state of global health - along with its many misconceptions. Spoiler alert: Most of the world is making great progress and is much better than people think. I love these kinds of books and it was an uplifting way to end the year.

Winter Solstice

Today is the winter solstice, which has the smallest amount of sunlight of any day in the year. It is unseasonably warmer than normal here in Kansas, but the darkness permeates all. I went walking this morning, and it was still pitch-black when I ended. The sun did not rise until 7:43 in the morning and will set at 5:06, barely into the evening.

But what is beautiful about the winter solstice is it is a recognized low point. From here on out, more daylight will trickle in. Every day, fingers of slanted sunlight filtered through the trees will linger a  bit longer. Temperatures will continue to plummet, but darkness will slowly recede.

The winter solstice is an apt parallel for so much of the natural ebbs and flows of life. Losing someone we love is a low point. But, on average, over time, a bit more of the darkness is driven away. Failing at something important feels like a low point. But the darkness is beaten back and the light peeks through a bit more every day. Natural energy-suckers such as taxiing children around town and paying bills and cleaning the toilets are far from high points. But we can still look forward to other endeavors that bring in the light, such as watching a sunset disappear over the horizon or marveling at the way our children curl into themselves as they sleep or toasting with friends to new years and new beginnings.

If your life feels like the winter solstice, that you are at an all-time low, I see you and I feel for you. And please know the darkness will not last forever.

What Did NOT Work for Me in 2018

Each year, I try some different strategies. Not all of these strategies work. Here is what did NOT work for me in 2018:

1. Intuitive Eating - I worked with a nutritionist for many months on becoming an intuitive eater. This involved not weighing myself, not tracking my food, and going by appetite/hunger cues. I was an intuitive eater earlier in my life, but now, I think my natural hunger cues lead me to a higher weight than I would prefer. I think intuitive eating is a beautiful concept and I made a lot of wonderful psychological progress with my nutritionist. But it did not work for me to help me be the weight I would like.

2. Giving Up Coffee - I had trouble sleeping at one point and decided to try giving up coffee. I did sleep better. But I was also grouchier, hungrier, and missed the social ritual of a warm cup of coffee. I decided to experiment a few months ago and found I was now able to drink coffee and still sleep well at night. Crisis averted!

3. Taking a Break from Facebook - Sometimes, I am shocked at the amount of time and energy that I devote to Facebook. I decided to "take a break" for a while from Facebook this summer. I lasted....1.5 days, which is not even long enough to be considered a real break.  For me, the benefits of social connection and interaction on Facebook far outweigh the costs.

4. Regularly Volunteering - This is a hard one to admit. I really want to volunteer and give back to our community. But it is hard to do so on a regular indefinite schedule every week on top of my other regular commitments. I have found I do better with short-term commitments (such as helping with the school bond issue) or one-time activities (such as church projects).

5. Doing the Same Thing Every Day - Everything I read advises completing activities at the same time each day, such as exercising the very first thing every morning. I have diligently tried this and have failed. Some days, it works to exercise the very first thing. Other days, I work out after dropping the kids off at school. Others, lunchtime is available, and still others, after work. I find I have better results if I go with what works for me each day instead of trying to force myself into the same schedule all the time.

What did NOT work for you in 2018??

What Worked for Me in 2018

As 2018 comes to a close, it is a ripe time for taking stock of the year. As with all years, some things worked for me this year - and some did not. Here is what worked for me in 2018:

1. Going to a Writing Festival - One of the best things I did for myself this year was attending a weekend session at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival. This festival has been running for over three decades and attracts people interested in writing from around the world. I have loved to write since I was a small child, but had neglected this craft as I grew older and busier. Attending something solely devoted to personal development and enjoyment was life affirming.

2. Kick-Starting My Blog - I started my blog in 2008 to keep family abreast of our happenings, and my devotion to it has waxed and waned over time. At the beginning of the year, my entries had nearly dried up, but after attending the writing festival this summer, I became ignited with a fire to write and share. The quality is definitely variable, but I absolutely love having this outlet.

3. Travel Instead of Home Repairs - Our house is falling apart. It needs new siding, has funky master bedroom windows that overlook the living room, and could definitely use some updating. However, we have made a conscious choice to invest in travel right now and to put off major home projects. This year, we have traveled for pleasure to Seattle, Canada, Washington, DC twice, Branson, Breckenridge, Paris, Chicago, and London. Traveling fills my soul and widens my horizons. I feel fortunate we have been able to visit so many new and old places.

4. Tracking Food - I worked with a nutritionist this year, which was wonderful for helping me dissociate weight from my value as a human. However, I also gained weight during this process. I am working on slowly losing weight now by tracking all of my food with My Fitness Pal. It's boring, it's a little soul sucking, but it works.

5. Abandoning Books - I have read over 50 books so far this year, the highest since I began the process of tracking several years ago. What has helped me most is giving myself complete permission to abandon a book any time. Ironically, instead of slowing down my number of completed books, this strategy has resulted in a larger number of completed books since I feel excitement and not guilt or obligation about any book I am reading.

What has worked for you in 2018? 

My Don't Do List: Special Holiday Edition

It is impossible to carry on every tradition of our own youth, our partner's youth, and our offspring's childhood and still maintain some semblance of sanity. Therefore, in honor of the impending holiday season, I present My Don't Do List: Special Holiday Edition. 

10. Elf on a Shelf
This is something that has exploded in popularity the past decade. I am sure our children would have loved the Elf on a Shelf; there something inherently fun about trying to find the Elf each morning and seeing what surprises are in store. However, as someone who has forgotten to leave Tooth Fairy money three nights in a row, there is no way I could have implemented this without it being an epic fail. 

9. Cookies for Santa or Reindeer Food
I had a lovely conversation  my daughter initiated approximately five years ago where we talked about how Santa is a really fun, magical tradition that parents get the joy of implementing. Her first comment was, "Does that mean that parents eat the cookies left for Santa??" I was surprised by this, given that we never, ever, ever left cookies for Santa, or the new tradition of "reindeer food." Stores close on Christmas Eve at 6 p.m. and the thought of getting cookies does not enter my mind until well past that hour.

8. Take Down the Tree at a Reasonable Time
We consider ourselves the most awesome organized people ever if we can manage to take our Christmas tree down by Epiphany, on January 6. One year I think it might have actually been April before all of the decorations went away. I am justifying this by the fact that this year, we have not actually put up our tree yet... 

7. Save Wrapping Paper
Rather than attempting to save wrapping paper for re-use, it all gets thrown away and dumped in landfills in giant trash bags. I apparently have shockingly little concern for the environment.

6. Drink Egg Nog
I think that the idea of egg nog is lovely- a fun, creamy drink that only gets brought out each year between Thanksgiving and New Year's. The actual taste, however, is....not so lovely.

5. Start Christmas Shopping Early
Our tradition is to wait until after finals and semester grades are turned in before worrying about Christmas shopping, in accordance with our "One Stress at at Time" family plan. This ended up backfiring this year, though, as several deadlines came up prior to grades being due. A 

4. Buy All Christmas Presents Locally
I love the idea of buying all of our Christmas presents locally and supporting our Manhattan economy. I love our town and think small businesses are its lifeblood. And yet, this year, we have a shockingly large number of Amazon Prime deliveries from stress-induced shopping deadlines. 

3. Write Letters to Santa. Or visit Santa in the mall. Or heck, just about anything involving Santa.
Neither of our children ever visited Santa....because who wants to spend more time in the mall than absolutely necessary during the Christmas season? It shows how strong the societal norm is toward Santa that our children were strong believers for years when we put zero effort into anything Santa related.

2. Read The Night Before Christmas (regularly)
I once asked my husband for suggestions on what our family doesn't do for the holidays, and he said that we don't read The Night Before Christmas on Christmas Eve. I was shocked because I consider this one of the things we actually *do* do, but he had the good point that it is pretty hit or miss, and mainly miss. So even holiday traditions that I think we do, we actually don't....

1. Have anything for Christmas breakfast. 
Our tradition is to visit Kansas City relatives for a few days before Christmas, drive back to Manhattan late on Christmas Eve, wake up the next morning in Manhattan on Christmas before driving to Wichita, and realize we are completely out of milk or any other breakfast-related item for Christmas breakfast. This year, I am trying to plan ahead and come up with a special breakfast, but, shockingly, both children said they would be fine eating "cereal" or "nothing." Perhaps some traditions are just not needed. 

Giving Ourselves Grace

2018 has been a very hard year and has been marked by several deaths that have left me reeling. But I was reflecting this morning that I am doing okay. I feel more resilient and stable than I have after experiencing much more minor setbacks.

I think the reason I feel able to manage is I am more willing to give myself grace right now. I have not been the most productive researcher at work this year compared to other years - but that is okay, as I know I have had much on my plate. Lecturing while on crutches and having to sit down for six weeks was not ideal - but that is okay, as I know I did the best I can. My house is a disaster and I am behind on many intended plans - but that is okay, as I have taken care of the most pressing matters.

Why am I more willing to give myself grace in the time of a crisis, but not with ordinary, mundane events? Why does it take a series of traumatic events before I can look at the big picture? I do not think such tendencies are unusual, either. I think we often get so caught up in the minutiae of life that it takes a near-crisis to re-calibrate and center on what is important.

My goal for 2019 is to extend myself the same grace in the everyday. Hopefully, there will not be nearly as many crises. But I hope I can feel resiliency and stability even in the face of ordinary trials.

Violence Against Women

I am reading the book Fahrenheit 451, a classic which I never read in high school. I am about a third of the way through the short book. What surprises me the most is not the portrayal of a dystopian future, the prediction of the dumbing-down of society, or the forecast of the decline of social interactions with the rise of technology - but the cavalier manner in which the book portrays violence against women.

I have so far counted three instances where women have been hit, slapped, or punched in Fahrenheit 451. In all cases, this violence is portrayed in a very casual fashion. For example, the wife of the protagonist is described as a "hysterical," and the sympathetic main character casually slaps her.

This book was published in 1953, often evoked in nostalgic moments as a better time. I am not convinced 1953 was a better time for women. Or for minorities. Or for anyone who was powerless.

Nor is Fahrenheit 451 the only book that portrays violence against women in such a dismissive manner. I read The Bourne Identity, published in 1980, after seeing the movie. The violence against the later-love interest is shocking - the narrator kidnaps a woman in a long, drawn out, abusive series of events, where he repeatedly hits her and threatens her life. My husband reminded me tonight that in the classic comedy Airplane, there is a long sentence where passengers repeatedly hit and assault a "hysterical" woman. A Beatles song chirps, "I used to be cruel to my woman, I'd beat her, and kept her away from the things that she loved...."

Sometimes it feels like society is moving in one giant step backwards. Sometimes 2018 feels depressing. But in examining the underbellies of the past, it gives me hope for the future. Because violence against woman (or anyone) is no longer acceptable. Even for "hysterical" women. And that feels like we have made a giant collective step forward.

It All Matters

Recently, I have seen an article making the rounds on social media titled something like, "Parents, Going to Every One of Your Kid's Games Matters." I have very mixed feelings on this sentiment. On the one hand, I agree that the more you can show your children you care about them and are invested in their lives, the better.

But I feel articles such as this just make people feel guilty. I know very few people who can go to all of their kids' games. Some are balancing multiple children. Some are working inflexible jobs. Some superstars are single parents and are juggling everything.

And perhaps because my children are not very interested in activities, but I do not feel that attending organized activities where children are taking part is the only way to be involved in their lives. Can we agree that instead of saying that going to all of our kids' games is what matters - that everything we do with our children matters?

There are endless ways to be invested in our children's lives, and this will look differently for every family. This could be:

• Reading stories out loud to our children. 
• Snuggling up with our kids at bedtime. 
• Working hard to make sure our children are fed, clothed, and bathed. 
• Talking to them about their day. 
• Smiling at them when they wake up. 
• Following through on promises made. 
• Asking our children their opinions. 
• Telling them you love them.
• Going to every one of their games. 

Parents, there is no way to be a perfect parent, but there are so many paths to be a good one. It all matters. 

Grading

This coming week is the last week of the semester, followed by final exam week. Will and I are both buried in grading at the moment - tests, projects, papers, cases, you name it. Grading is my least-favorite part of my job. But it still surprised me when one of our children exclaimed, "I would never want to be a professor, because then I would have all of this grading to do."

This declaration caught me off guard. I love being a professor. But I am vocal about not enjoying grading around my children. And I try to do all of my grading at home, outside of the office, so I can handle other tasks during the day at work. My children only see me perform the part of my job where I get the least enjoyment.

This whole exchange reminded me I need to do a better job of discussing elements of my job I love with my children, which is almost all of them. I love lecturing. I love working with students one-on-one in my office and getting to know them better. I love research - the whole thing - literature review, data analysis, WRITING. I love giving presentations at conferences. I love reading and reviewing other studies and writing journal reviews. I love interacting with my colleagues. I truly believe I have one of the best jobs in the world and cannot believe I can make a career out of something I love so much.

There are so many careers that are not visible to our children at their ages, jobs which they may love but are unaware of at this stage. I know I did not understand what an accountant was until I was midway through college. But there are other jobs, jobs which our children might love, but which they have already eliminated from consideration because of a misguided picture of what such jobs entail.

I do not know whether my children will pursue becoming a professor or a teacher of other students. But I hope they do not eliminate it from consideration because of grading.

The Weight of Expectations

I have decided the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is sacred, holy, and fragile. So very fragile. So many holidays and all of their accompanying joy and stress and obligations. So many traditions to fulfill, some which fill your cup and others which do not. And so many expectations.

The weight of expectations makes the holiday season a delicate balance. In some cases, we are seeing treasured family members with which we have not crossed paths in the same year, and it feels like our whole lives are on display in one particular moment. Our children's behavior, our cooking, our housekeeping, our body image all feel vulnerable and subject to inspection.

In other cases, trying to make the holidays a joyous time of year comes at a high cost. It is impossible to carry on every tradition from our own youth, our partner's youth, our children's childhood - and still maintain some semblance of sanity. Deciding what to purge and what to hang on to can bring up long-buried emotions and feel more like a test of values than a simple decision of whether to choose a real or an artificial Christmas tree.

Every December, I whip myself into a frenzy. It is the end of semester and final exam time at work. We usually travel over the Thanksgiving holiday and come into December short on energy and time. This year, I realized it was December 1st, and we had not even thought about Advent calendars. Instead of Christmas lights, we have rotting pumpkins on our porch from October. Our Christmas tree remains in a box in the garage.

This year, I am going to remember the weight of expectations are self-imposed. I am worried about seeing relatives for holiday gatherings because I have gained weight this year - but I doubt anyone cares. I feel a little guilty we have broken our 14-year-Advent-calendar streak - but our children have not mentioned the lack of a calendar and it may be a tradition which is no longer needed. I wish our house were magically decorated for Christmas - but not enough to dig anything out.

I hope you have a glorious holiday season. And can break free from expectations.

On Reading

Reading was my favorite pastime as a child. From the moment I first memorized and recited the book Madeline at two years of ago, I was hooked. One year, at a lonely point in 5th grade, I tracked my reading habits for the month of February and was astounded to discover I had read 60 books by the end of the month. Reading helped me decipher seemingly obtuse social codes. Reading gave me comfort. Reading helped me unlock whole new worlds. Reading was like breathing.

As I grew older, I had less time to read, partly because my responsibilities expanded, but partly because I bought into the narrative that I did not have enough time to read. When I first went to college, I took hardly any books with me, so sure was I that I would be devoting all of my time to studying and would have little time to read for pleasure. I soon reversed course and devoured books I borrowed from my now-husband. The period when I started my PhD program was another low point in my reading trajectory. I spent so much time reading and analyzing papers for school and raising my children that I had little energy to read for pleasure myself.

When I moved to Manhattan eight and a half years ago, I was determined to make tenure, take care of my family - and make time to read for pleasure. I think I have mostly succeeded in that endeavor. In no particular order, what helps me be a reader today:

10. Book Clubs - At one point, I was in five book clubs at once. Today, I am in a much more manageable two (well, maybe three groups....). Not only do book clubs bring together people who also love to read and share common interests, having a set deadline forces me to finish books that may have been challenging to get through on my own.

9. Library Holds - Speaking of deadlines, there is nothing like a deadline to ensure that finishing a book will happen, rather than getting distracted by other books. I absolutely love how our library system allows patrons to place holds on library books that can be easily picked up at the library when they are available - and how there is a built-in deadline on finishing the book.

8. Kindle -  I have fully metamorphosed into a reader who could only imagine reading physical books to one who actually prefers e-books on my phone or Kindle device. Part of this reason is that such books can be read in snippets anywhere and anytime. I also love another the ability to read on my phone in bed and the relative lightness of the devices. 

7. Kindle e-books from the Library - Another huge reason behind my change to preferring to read on my Kindle is the plethora of e-books available in Kindle format at the library, which are incredibly easy to check out and accumulate no late fees. Heaven.

6. Much time spent researching books - It seems counter-intuitive, but as I have increased the energy and effort I put into researching potential books, I find I actually read more. Having a great book to dive into greatly increases the odds I will finish it. I am part of an awesome online group of friends which discusses books, which is a huge source of suggestions. I also very carefully read reviews, follow publisher releases, and put a good deal of energy into attempting to identify books I might enjoy.

5. No shame in abandoning books - I start many, many books I never finish. Perhaps they were not the right book for me. Perhaps I was not in the right mood when I started. In any case, I have no guilt in neglecting to finish a book that is not working for me, especially ones I am solely reading on my own.

4. Keeping a List - In 2013, I started keeping a list of books read during the year. I have loved looking back on these lists, particularly when friends asked for recommendations.

3. Joining Goodreads - One of the best decisions I made was joining Goodreads a year or two ago. This site is a social media platform for book lovers, but it also helps to keep track of books read, store ratings, compile reviews, and more. And I have already been stopped at least once from checking out a non-fiction book that I forgot I already read years ago.

2. Reading eclectically- Overall, I probably read around 60% fiction titles and 40% non-fiction books. Within those categories, though, I love to read contemporary fiction, classics, memoirs, self-help, historical fiction, thrillers, science-fiction, historical narratives, social commentary, religious explorations, and about any genre where the title looks interesting. This mixture of genres keeps my reading life fresh and invigorating.

1. Making the time - Once, in college, I was on the 3rd floor of Calvin Hall. I had about 15 minutes in between classes, and pulled out a novel I was reading. Another student saw me, incredulous to her friends around her that anyone in college would have the time to read for pleasure. In the 15 minutes I was in the lounge area, I read my novel. In the 15 minutes this fellow student was there, she appeared to also use the time in in non-productive manner. We all have time to waste. We all have a little time to spare. For me, reading is important and I make it a priority. For others, this may be cooking, or baking, or spending time with friends, or watching TV, or surfing online, or a million different activities. Not everyone enjoys reading - but for those who do - I hope you are able to a find a few spare minutes here and there to enjoy. Because it is so very worth it.

2018 Reading Challenge - Books 41-50

The long flights this week have given me plenty of time to read, bringing my total books read so far this year to 50 books. #49 was one of my favorites of the year, I thought I would roll my eyes at #42 but actually really enjoyed it, and both #41 and #48 are great if you enjoy twists that keep you guessing. 

41. Sometimes I Lie, by Alice Feeney (a book with an unreliable narrator) - Psychological thriller that opens with a woman in a coma trying to piece together what has happened. So many twists and turns! Highly entertaining and kept me guessing.

42. Girl, Wash Your Face, by Rachel Hollis (a book recommended by a friend) - I was a little hesitant about this one because I read reviews saying it was for privileged women with no real problems. Well. Evidently I am the target demographic, because I really enjoyed it and found it engaging. The book is divided into 20 chapters on a lie the author once believed, how she changed her perspective, and then 3 things at the end of each chapter that helped. It reminded me of reading a Jen Hatmaker book but I thought it was better written.

43. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, by Sherman Alexie (a book Annika wanted me to read) - My daughter read this novel and wanted me to read it as well. It's a YA novel about a 14-year-old boy living on an Indian reservation who decides to attend the local high school instead. Really enjoyable fast read that I think does a great job of exposing kids to another culture in the U.S.

44. I’d Rather Be Reading, by Anne Bogel (a book of essays on reading) - Sweet book of essays on what it means to be a reader. The author writes a blog that I follow (Modern Mrs. Darcy). I think this would be a fun gift book for someone who loves to read. Nothing earth shattering, but fun to think about how books and reading both influence your life.

45. The Days of Abandonment, by Elena Ferrante (a book for book club) - I had previously read My Brilliant Friend by the author and loved it. This is an earlier work and is the first-person narrative of a mom of young children whose husband leaves her. It is visceral, raw, and painful to read in parts. But it does an excellent job of portraying the emotional fallout.

46. Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott (a book on writing) - A beautiful book full of writing (and life) advice. Best piece: “Shitty first drafts.” Also loved the ideas to start writing by documenting your childhood, the emphasis on character, and the advice to sit down each day and simply get words on the page.

47. Hunger, by Roxane Gay (a memoir of the author’s body) - A memoir focused on the author’s body, how she survived a horrible gang rape when she was 12, and turned to food as a coping mechanism and a way to become invisible. I have gained some weight recently and totally can identify with the feelings of shame and exposure when your body is not a size you would like.

48. Sweet Little Lies, by Caz Frear (a police procedural murder mystery) - a murder mystery told from the perspective of a police detective. Lots of twists and fun to read a book set in London while we were visiting there.

49. Where the Crawdads Sing, by Delia Owens (a nature, coming of age, and mystery novel) - an absolutely beautiful book, riveting to the very end. The author has written non-fiction nature accounts before, but this is her first novel - the descriptions are beautiful.

50. An Absolutely Remarkable Thing, by Hank Green (a sci-fi novel about fame) - the author is the brother of famous YA author John Green. A sci-fi novel at its core, but really an examination of the price of fame as told by the snarky narrator.

Coachable

A meme I have seen often reads: "Your child's success or lack of success in sports does not indicate what kind of parent you are. But having an athlete that is coachable, respectful, a great teammate, mentally tough, resilient, and tries their best IS a direct reflection of your parenting."

On the one hand, I love this quote. I love the fact it emphasizes character rather than ability. I love all the values embodied - respect, resiliency, effort.

On the other hand, this quote makes me feel like I have failed as a parent. Neither of my children is particularly resilient. I would not use "mentally tough" to describe either. I think both have room to improve in being more coachable.

But then I wonder, how much of that is due to my own actions, and how much of it is due to their inherent nature? I am not particularly resilient or mentally tough myself. Did I teach my children to have those deficits? Or did they already have a natural proclivity toward these tendencies?

And this begs a bigger question - how much credit - or blame - do parents deserve? If our kids are amazing adults, is this due to our success as a parent? If our kids are abject failures, should our own feet be held to the fire as parents?

I think I am a very average parent. I have many deficits, but I care and I try hard. In the end, though, I think my children are who they are - and it is my job to guide them as best I can. Their deficits may be a direct reflection on me as a parent, but I will have to live with the fact that I - and everyone else - am doing the best I can.

Financial Literacy

After Thanksgiving, I am going to give a talk to all of the 5th graders at my son's school about financial literacy. I am an accounting professor and presumably should have some thoughts about financial literacy for children, but in actuality, I am just as clueless as any other parent about what kinds of skills and information and knowledge to impart.

Part of the problem is that discussing finances, money, resources, and personal economics is such a taboo topic in our culture. I was reminded of this implicit ban on discussing monetary costs this morning, when my husband and I received a quote to replace our home's exterior siding and to remodel our master bedroom and bathroom. The quote was so large, about three times higher than the highest estimate that Google had earlier predicted, that my first instinct was to laugh. My second instinct was to discuss this estimate with other people, to see if it was anywhere close to realistic. But to do so would be discussing money, and it feels inherently taboo and icky and personal to discuss money with anyone not directly involved.

I struggle with how much of our finances to share with our own children. Our children have asked how much we earn and I have resisted telling them. But I wonder if keeping them in the dark is doing them a disservice. Perhaps if I were to show them a paycheck, accompanied by how much was already taken out up front for various taxes and other contributions, along with our typical expenditures for the month, they would start to intuit some of the costs and trade offs that come with making financial decisions. Or perhaps I should make them responsible for more expenses. My daughter will be off to college in three and a half short years, and I worry that her financial involvement to this point has been deciding how to spend or save her monthly allowance.

Some of this financial illiteracy is due to our privileged position. When I was in high school, I had multiple friends who worked as soon as they were old enough, not for spending money or to save toward future college costs, but to contribute toward their parents and recurring household expenses. Being shielded from financial realities is largely a result of not having economic worries. But it may not be the best long-term solution for good financial health.

I will probably end up looking at Pinterest for what kinds of financial topics to discuss with 5th graders. And it is easy to speak in generalities about financial literacy and health. But knowing where to draw the line on real-life financial examples is much more difficult.

Parenting Progression

[Photo Credit: Amy Meng Photography]

I am compiling all of my prior blog posts on parenting into some form of a book. What is fascinating  is how so much of what I wrote in 2008, 2013, you name it, is still very much applicable today.

One theme weaves through like a ribbon among all others: Worry. I worried about whether my children were meeting appropriate milestones. Worried about whether a child was on the autism spectrum. Worried about social interactions. Worried about whether a child would ever learn to read. Worried about if we were doing enough activities, or too many activities. Worried about events in the past. Worried about possibilities in the future that may never come to fruition.

Reading back over those past worries, so many of them seem ridiculous. Others seem like relics of a different era. But in some, I wondered why I worried so much about a particular area - but then never addressed the worry with a professional. My worrying seemed to be simultaneously groundless and incapable of resulting in any kinds of changes. It's as if I were stuck in my seat, worried about an impending fire, but refusing to evacuate the building.

A second theme pops up: Tone. My earlier blog entries were snarky, witty, tongue-in-cheek. My later blog entries have become more earnest, melodramatic, introspective. It's almost hard to believe all were written by the same person, and it will probably be difficult to meld into a single cohesive narrative. But I think as I have shifted from my late-20s to my almost-40s, my tone and outlook have shifted. I have much less shame in writing about who I am and what I am feeling and do not feel the urge to hide behind snark, even if such thoughts were probably best relegated to a journal rather than shared with the world.

A third and final theme emerges: Gratitude. My gratitude for having documented these emotions and feelings is high. I know many parents of older children will joke no one should write a parenting book until all the writer's children have grown and flown the nest. But I think that is a mistake. For reading back over these thoughts when my children were younger pulls me in to an era I am incapable of accessing through stored memories alone. And I think only reflecting at parenting through the lens of time means that the immediacy and rawness of the moment are stripped away.

I absolutely love seeing how my thoughts on parenting have progressed. And, while it would probably be better for my career if I devoted extra time into working on job-related duties, what a joy it is to work on this project.

Purging

This Christmas holiday, our family is not going on a trip anywhere, but will instead stay home and declutter the house. We are going to London next week for Thanksgiving, which I am eagerly anticipating, but I am looking forward to our time at home for Christmas with just as much expectation. I feel like our house, possessions, lives are out of control and need reigned in. One of the best ways to do this is by purging, by taking inventory of what we no longer need and moving on.

Will and I used to de-clutter our house annually. When our children were small, they stayed with grandparents for a week each year at Christmas while we organized, re-arranged, and cleaned the house from top to bottom. Staring in 2013, we switched to taking a family vacation each year during that same time, which has been glorious and wonderful, but the stress from our house has continued to mount each year. We moved in 2015, and decluttered a great deal then, but have had no similar purges since then, and it shows.

While our physical house is in the most need of a drastic overhaul, so are much of the rest of our lives and commitments. I spent 30 minutes this afternoon purging my "Want to Read" books on my Goodreads account and cutting the number of books I plan to read in half. I originally added many of these books with good intentions but they no longer excite me, and lseeing them on my list was causing me a nagging sense of failure. I want to thoroughly examine all of our family's commitments and figure out which ones may have served a purpose for a season, so I can open time and space for other new opportunities. At work, I am trying to be very careful about taking on new projects. I have a backlog of in-progress projects where I often feel like I am not contributing as much as I would like, and I want to finish those up before adding anything new.

I wish I were good at avoiding the need for purging. If I could evaluate each purchase, each possession, each opportunity more stringently as it came, I might end up with a more well-balanced life all together. But most of these items served a purpose at one point - but have no longer continued to do so. And harboring guilt about taking them on in the first place or in setting them free does no one any good.

So in this season of purging, I will try to let go of anything weighing me down. I wish I did not have to enter this cycle. But I will give myself grace in recognizing the need to move on.

Life Before Kids

I have often been fascinated by my parents' married lives before my sister and I were born. My dad served as a meteorologist in the air force. My mom worked as an elementary-school teacher. Both earned graduate degrees. My parents were married for seven years before I was born, and I remember as a child spinning that time like a fairy tale, recalling snippets and bits of information. The total story I have put together is likely inaccurate, but captivating.

My husband and I were married nearly six years before we had our first child. But I was married so young it feels as if we grew up together in that time. In our married lives before children, we each graduated from college, then each earned master's degrees (or two master's degrees, with my husband). We moved to Kansas City and began professional jobs. When my daughter was born, I was only 24 years old and my first career had barely begun, but I felt as though we had been waiting to become financially and professionally stable our entire marriage, and, now that we were finally there, it was only logical to have children next.

Sometimes I look back and squint and I can barely remember my pre-child self. Who am I without children? I think some of this confusion is that I was so young myself that I was still growing as a person while my children were born. When my daughter was a year old, we eschewed financial responsibility, quit our jobs, sold our house, and moved to Florida to go back to school. So much of my growth and development happened those five years in Florida, during which my son was also born, that having children seems intricately tied up in a coming-of-age experience for me. I feel I have little to share with my own children about what life is like without them.

My children will leave our house at some point and my husband and I will be back to the two of us. We are excited to have more opportunities to travel, eager to have more alone time with just the two of us, looking forward to evenings of spontaneity. But this will be not a rebirth of our pre-child life, but a new metamorphosis altogether.

Thirtysomething

I began my 30s as a newly minted PhD living with my husband and two children in Orlando, Florida. I was getting ready to embark on a series of job interviews with nine different universities scattered across the United States. I was anxious about the future, anxious about launching my career, anxious about the trajectory of our family. 

I am 39 years old. When I turn 40 this summer, I will celebrate my 21st wedding university, live in Manhattan, Kansas, and work as an endowed full professor at my alma mater. The next 10, 20, 30 years have a familiar rhythm to them. Our kids will grow up and fly the nest. I have advanced as far up the career ladder as I can at my current university, and will probably continue to teach and research and perform service in a similar capacity. The path set in my 30s seems continuous until retirement. 

While my 20s were a decade of growth, newness, discovery, my 30s have been a decade of stability, steadiness, contentment. In my 20s, I became a mother of two babies and young children. In my 30s, I learned what it was like to be a mom of older kids. In my 20s, I was singularly focused on my career and my family. In my 30s, I expanded my reach, becoming involved in my church, kids' schools, community in a way I would have thought I had no time for in an earlier decade. In my 30s, I learned that I will never have more available time in my life, and that if something is important, I need to devote resources to make it happen now.

My body has changed in my 30s. I was a thin person most of my life, but have now found my weight set point is at a much higher weight. I had glasses and long hair until recently, but now have a pixie cut and have had surgical remediation so that my uncorrected vision is perfect. My hair has turned gray overnight and I now regularly color it at a salon. I never broke a bone until two years ago. Now, I have had three fractures, each of which has been painfully slow to heal.

My 20s were the most formative years of my life. My 30s have been the most stable. My whole life has been preparing me for my 30s, and my current life choices have set up a solid future trajectory. It is nowhere as glamorous as the constant changes of earlier decades. But my 30s have brought me peace, happiness, friendships, connections, and contentment that are only possible in times of stability. And I hope the next decades of my life can be just as fulfilling.