10 (More) Surprising Things about Parenting

I blogged back in August about some of the most surprising things to me about parenting (click here for post). It has come to my attention that there are even MORE surprising things that I am still discovering every day.

10. I Was a Really Good Parent Before I Had Kids

I think that this book title, I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, is one of the best statements ever. (I did not find the book itself that insightful but I feel like it has already contributed to humanity through this wonderful title). I had so many vague ideas about things my own children would "always" or "never" do, which has proven to be laughable.

9. Mother's Intuition is Kind of B.S. 

There is kind of a cult of motherhood that implies that mothers always know best and that mother's intuition is often light-years ahead of other insight. Well. Maybe that is true for other mothers, but not for me. I have the absolute worst medical instincts about when a problem is or isn't serious, I never anticipate good or bad news from school, and I have a whopping 50% success rate on guessing unborn babies' gender. It's fun to remember the times when we are right, but at least for me, so many times my intuition has been wrong.

8. Every Parent has a "Difficult Age" 

I am firmly convinced that every parent has certain ages and stages that they find more difficult than others. For me, this is ages one (walking) through around age 4. I find these ages absolutely delightful to watch as a child develops, but utterly stressful to live on a day-to-day basis. Will finds the baby years difficulty, since there is hardly any interaction (especially since I breastfed). We both agree that ages almost 6 and almost 10 now, though, are truly in the "sweet spot."

7. It's All About Expectations 

There is an article going around on the web right now called "It's time to tell the truth about motherhood." It is a lovely article, and the author mentions that in the first two years of her child's life, no one ever told her how difficult it would be. I find this sad and feel bad that there is a lack of a realistic framework for so many people going in. Fortunately, all I had heard about before our daughter was born was how very difficult parenting was and how our life was over and how we would never ever have any time again. I was therefore pleasantly surprised to discover that I could, in fact, still shower every couple of days and even have time to check e-mail now and then. I didn't know it at the time, but I was really lucky to have developed such low expectations beforehand, and feel bad for those that are given unrealistic expectations.

6. Everyone Loves Babies...Because They Remember Their Own Babies 

When our daughter was born, I remember her pediatrician commenting that she was a beautiful baby, and I thought, well, of course she is, just look at her. When ever anyone would comment on her as a baby, I was smug in my knowledge that she was, in fact, more beautiful than just about any baby ever. It took me years to realize that people were (a) just being polite and/or (b) wistfully remembering their own children as babies. (For the record, though, I still maintain that my daughter and son were definitely beautiful babies. Objectively.)

5. There Are No Books Written For Past the Toddler Years, Because Good Luck with That 

I am probably in the minority, but I loved the initial idea of the "What to Expect" series. There was a nice volume for pregnancy, a nice fat volume for the first year, and a nice and even fatter volume for the toddler years. I was kind of disappointed that there was no "preschool" volume, because even though the books generally failed to conclusively answer any questions about my own children, I still liked the theory of one volume containing the most common age-related questions. Then once my own children were preschoolers, I realized that is because there are literally thousands of different questions than can come up and We Can No Longer Pretend That One Size Fits All.

4. It's Not the Terrible 2s, It's the Terrifying 3s 

This is something that there is more publicity about now: 3-years old is truly challenging, with all of the frustration of a 2-year-old, the verbal prowess of a 4-year-old, and the tenacity and ability to stick to an opinion like a seasoned defense attorney. I think that 9 out of 10 parents on the street would agree that age 3 is, on average, more difficult than age 2. And oh yes, there are also the F-U 4s for some lucky ones...

3. Seeing Other Adults Love Your Child is Truly Awesome 

I think also related to our cult of motherhood is the idea that no one can truly love a child like a mother, or at least a parent or at the very least a grandparent. And it is true that those bonds are indeed very special. But there is something truly heart-stopping about seeing your child form relationships with other caring adults and realizing that there are so many people out in the world that love them and care for them and will make the world a safe place for them. When I see my son's eyes light up when his church choir director walks into a room, or my daughter engage with her swimming instructor, my heart swells with love and appreciation.

2. Seeing Your Worst Traits in Your Children is Truly Horrifying 

I wrote previously about how Your Children Are Not You. And that is true. But, sometimes they are you...the very worst parts of you. I was reminded of this recently when my beautiful daughter announced that she hated her school picture because she "looked fat." I was horrified for so many reasons and talked to her, but this led to her (rightly) declaring, "I learned that from you!" And she was right, as I reflected on the times I have complained to my husband about a photo or my appearance. :( Seeing these negative traits that you are working on reflected back to you from your own children can truly be like a punch in the gut.

1. Your Children Will Totally Always Be Your Babies 

There is a scene in the movie Father of the Bride where Steve Martin's daughter announces that she has met a man and they are getting married; meanwhile, all Steve Martin can see is a little girl about 5 years old saying these same words. I saw this movie originally when I was a teenager and thought it was ridiculous. Well. It is SO TRUE because I look at my children who are firmly in the elementary school years, and all I can see are the tiny babies that I rocked and nursed and cuddled and carried, and whom I will love for always and will always my babies be.

What has been most surprising to you about parenting or life?

The Bucket List - 10 Items in 10 Years

The whole idea of a "Bucket List" is to make a list of everything you would like to do before you, you know, kick the bucket. I love the idea of maximizing life experiences but find the idea a tiny bit morbid, perhaps because I am worried that if I ever did manage to complete everything on such a list, I would immediately drop dead. But there are so many things that I want to do in life and I don't want time to pass me by. Therefore, I present my "10 Items in 10 Years" so-called Bucket List:

10. Have visited all of the 50 U.S. States - we absolutely love road trips and getting to see all parts of the U.S. I would love to have visited all 50 of the U.S. States, and am getting pretty close, with only seven remaining. Of these, four are in New England (Connecticut, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont), one is not too far north of us (North Dakota), and then of course, two are the "big ones" (Alaska and Hawaii). So I think we would only need four trips to get these all in. 

9. Visit Yellowstone National Park - this has been a lifelong dream of mine and I am so excited that we are going to get to go there at the end of May. (So it is kind of cheating to put it on this list, but hey, it's a goal.) Ultimately I would love to see all of the national parks, or at least as many of them as we can, but Yellowstone has truly been at the top of my list for a long time.  

8. Participate in Bike Across Kansas - at least I own a bike now, which is the first step in participating, right? This sounds like such a fantastic event and I am looking forward to seeing the participants this year when they come through Manhattan (and stay overnight in Wamego!). Will and I have talked a lot about how we would like to do this someday, hopefully with my Dad and other family members, so I say we make it happen. 

7. Complete (aka, Walk) a Full Marathon - my sister Julie ran her first full marathon when she was 17 and I was so inspired on that day to do one myself. Not to run one, mind you...but to "complete" one, aka, walk one. Every time that she ran another one I would see all of the back-of-the-pack walkers and think, I can do that! Another long-time dream that should be coming true this summer, as I am registered to walk the Estes Park full marathon with great church friends. Cannot wait! 

6. Become a Full Professor with some type of an Endowed Chair - okay, this is probably ridiculous to put on a bucket list, but it is one of my 10-year goals, and hey, why not throw it out there to the Universe to hold myself accountable? 

5. See the Olympics in Person - I LOVE THE OLYMPICS. Love it. Watching the Olympics is a deep obsession with my whole family and I love that our children love it, too. My goal one day is to go there in person and see at least one event live. And why not try to do it in the next 10 years, perhaps even at the next summer games? Only 890 days until the Rio Olympics...

4. Go on a Mission Trip as a Family - I have been feeling called to go on a mission trip probably since high school, but just have never made it work. Now that our children are getting older, I would absolutely love to take them, too, so that we can all grow and learn as a family. We need to find the right opportunity so that all four of us can go together, but I am confident that sometime in the next few years we can make this a reality. 

3. Complete a Triathlon - I am a terrible swimmer, a terrible cyclist (although I do own a bike), and a mediocre runner, but I love the idea of conquering all three sports and completing a triathlon. Notice that I said "complete," not just "register," which I did two years ago, but never actually practiced swimming and decided I should scrap it. 

2. Play Piano Songs from my Senior Piano Recital - oh, the piano. An absolutely wonderful piano that we bought after we moved to Manhattan that is primarily just sitting in the living room as a spot for the cats to climb upon. I took piano lessons all through the end of high school and it was such an integral part of my life, and I have let it slide so much since then. I would like to be able to get back into it and practice enough to play all of the songs that I performed for my senior recital. 

1. Take the Kids to Europe - Will and I both visited Europe for the first time in 2012, when I presented at a conference in Slovenia. It was such a wonderful experience and we both are dying to go back. Only this time, we would like to bring the kids, too. Because Europe is awesome. We have talked that when Annika is 14 and Daniel is 10 would be a good time to go, because in theory that sounds like a good time (having never had children at either of those ages, yet...).

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What would be on your Bucket List?? Or your 10-year Bucket List??

The Sacred Scared

I recently stumbled across a series of guest posts that the blog Momastery was putting together called "The Scared Scared." The idea was that even very successful people have their own inner demons and that no one has it all figured out. Each post featured a photo of a guest blogger without any make-up and featuring her account of some of her Inner Mess. I could related to ALL of these revelations. Every single one, from the fear of not being successful enough to not being happy enough to not being smart enough to having social anxiety. The fact that some of my very favorite authors/bloggers were on here, including Rachel Held Evans and Jen Hatmaker, made it even more powerful.

As if reading my mind, my very dear friend Charity wrote an awesome blog post today (click here for post) about the strong desire for approval, but what we really long for is acceptance, and we can't have true acceptance without vulnerability.

I therefore present my very own Sacred Scared:

This first part is easy. Since I never wear make-up, just about every single picture of me suffices.

The second part is hard. Because I have so many things that I am secretly, or not-so-secretly, scared about.

I am scared that I am too ambitious in my career.

I am scared that I am not ambitious enough.

I am scared that I am screwing my children up because I am not signing them up for enough activities.

I am scared that I am screwing my children up because they are doing too many activities.

I am scared that I am too selfish.

I am scared that I am not selfish enough and need to say "no" more.

And on, and on, and on. Essentially, so many days I feel like I have the biggest case of Impostor Syndrome and am just faking that I know how to raise children and strive to ultimately have a somewhat successful-ish career and keep the house from falling down and attempt to be part of our community and, and, and.

When it comes down to it, I really have no idea what I am doing. And this is terrifying for someone like me who loves to be in control. I have finally come to admit that I am just winging it with raising children, but am still having trouble making peace with the fact that perhaps everything I do will end up being Wrong.

But then I think that perhaps, this is the whole point of life. To go through it scared, and unsure, and never certain of where the path will lead. But that we still get up each day, put one foot forward, and Do the Best That We Can.

What is your Sacred Scared??

San Antonio and Home Front Weekend

It would be a tragedy if I missed blogging about this weekend, because in 5 years, I might wonder exactly what our family did the weekend of February 22nd and 23rd. Well. Have no fear, because I can report that I went to San Antonio for a tax conference Thursday through Saturday night, Will ran around with the kids while I was gone, and we all reunited on Sunday on the home front. 

San Antonio Weekend 

I was very excited to go to my tax conference in for a chance for some more spring-like weather. Thursday morning we had hail, ice, THUNDERSNOW, and just plain old regular snow. This picture below was taken when the snow was coming down very hard in big, fat flakes. Never mind that the snow all melted away by the end of the day - it was crazy weather while it lasted. 

I was very excited to arrive in San Antonio, where I not only had the chance to stay with my old advisor and current co-author and one of my very best friends, Donna, but also could just step out of the hotel directly onto the Riverwalk. It is gorgeous (albeit a little noisy at night, with the rumor that you can carry open containers around). 

Boat ride on the Riverwalk. If I come back here in the future, I am totally taking a boat ride.

At night! On Friday evening after a long conference day, we walked over to a nearby Mexican restaurant. I normally have no opinions about where we eat but very much wanted to eat at a Mexican place while in San Antonio.

All lit up.

Oh yes, my dinner. I ordered the "soup and salad" and this has to be about the biggest portions of each I have ever had.

Our hotel was very close to the Alamo, and before we left on Saturday, we had a chance to walk over to check it out. We encountered a very large reenactment scene, complete with actual loud (and kind of smokey) canyons.

Actual guns. I was trying to get a picture of the actual event, but had I taken a picture of the crowd, it would have been of a large swarm of people with every.single.one taking a photo or video on their cell phone.

Remembering the Alamo!

Me and Donna! I think the only other picture I have of the two of us is at my PhD graduation in 2009. Need to change that!

"The Shrine." You are not allowed to take pictures in the shrine, but the main thing that we all commented on was how small it was and how crazy it must have been with that many people huddled together inside.

This is a giant tree outside. The picture isn't the best but it was quite impressive looking.

Lots of grounds outside. The Alamo grounds were originally a Spanish mission.

Leaving the Alamo and getting ready to go on the airplane! My plane got in around 10:30 p.m. last night and I was very happy to be flying into Manhattan and not Kansas City.

Home Front Weekend

While I was tax-ing it up in San Antonio, Will was holding down the fort with the kids. He did lots of running, working, and shuttling kids around. The kids stayed up late Saturday night until I got home and we were all so excited to see each other.

We didn't do too much today and it was so nice to relax. I helped teach children's church (Daniel is in the red and black stripped shirt) and learned that once again, a Craft Maestro I am not. :)

Getting a drink at Radina's Coffeehouse. Daniel appears to be the most excited about this and the chance to get apple juice.

The library! They have a bunch of super cool pop-up books that you can't check out but the kids both love to look at when we visit.

Will thought it was ridiculous that I wanted to take a picture of this (a fair point), but the library does something neat in February called "Blind Date with a Book." They wrap up a random book and label it very generically. This one was touted as a "mystery" and turned out to be one of the Janet Evanovich books.

This evening was Family Swim at the K-State natatorium. We signed up for this through UFM along with some of our friends, and it is a great way to all get to go swimming together as a family. Daniel really enjoyed jumping into the pool and with his life jacket, was a little less nervous that Will or I would fail to catch him.

Swimming!

Sad news tonight...the Olympics Closing Ceremony. We watched it together (of course) and are all a little sad that it is over 2 years until the fun begins in Rio. (This is a picture from another night, but demonstrates our Olympic Obsession with the fact that we take pictures of the TV screen.)

Finally, Julie and I went for a late-night quick sister date at Purple Swirl. They even had non-dairy sorbet for Julie...sounds like it wasn't the tastiest, but the voluminous toppings made up for this. :)

We hope you all had a great weekend!!

Valentine's Day Weekend

Our family has survived Valentine's Day weekend! Highlights included taking the children with us to work on Friday, traveling to Kansas City on Saturday for Will's dad's 70th birthday celebration, and lots of church events and a Sister Date on Sunday. 

We celebrated unofficial Take Your Children to Work Day - Friday was no school for the entire district, and something very unusual - the after-school program was also closed. This is the first time this has happened where BLAST (after school) was cancelled for a non-holiday. Rather than sending the kids to a camp for the day, we decided to bring them to to work with us. They had a blast! 

Eating breakfast in my office.

Very excited to go to the Union and eat Subway for lunch.

Checking out some of the games (sans money). They spent the morning in my office and the afternoon in Will's office, and we all had lunch together.

We had a lovely Family Valentine's Night. I worked late on Friday and was shocked to discover all that was waiting for me when I arrived home. Thanks, Will!

White roses are one of my favorites. They are now living on top of the refrigerator after the cats knocked over the vase.

Heart-shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's for the kids.

Will made me homemade manicotti, my absolute favorite dish!

Daniel got me the most epic Valentine's Day card ever. This very special card also makes a wolf whistle when you open it. Daniel told me later that he thought it said "Heart" on the front, rather than "Hot," but this totally made my night.

We all watched the Olympics, all the time. Snuggling on the couch on Valentine's Night.

 Daniel liked drawing the NBC Olympic symbol.

Curled up.

We traveled to Kansas City on Saturday for Dick's 70th birthday celebration!! We were so thrilled we were able to come celebrate. When we arrived, we all went out for lunch at Applebee's.

Daniel, Will, and I went for a walk on the "nature trail" that is now completely covered with snow. Daniel only lost his boots in a deep snow bank by the storm drain once.

Annika was thrilled to play chess. I still don't really "get" chess.

Annika and Gramps played another round. Let the record show that he is a much stronger chess player than I. ;)

Daniel was feeling festive long before the party started.

This is a picture that Daniel drew that he decided was "horrible" and wanted to throw away. I managed to convince him to let me take a picture of it first.

SHRIMP OUT PARTY!!! Grammie and Gramps covered the whole table with newspapers so that we could all dig in to giant, delicious shrimp.

The kids had their own party with pizza in the living room. Notice that none of them are wearing party hats, whereas all the adults are.

Blowing out the candle. Happy 70th birthday, Gramps, and here is to a wonderful next decade!

We did lots of church activities today. I was scheduled to have church activities/meetings 7:30 am-12:00 p.m. today, and then Will and I both had meetings from 4-7 p.m. I say "scheduled," because I overslept and did not wake up until my first meeting had started. ;) Our kids were thrilled by our joint afternoon meetings, which meant that they got to be in childcare at church for close to 3 hours, which is "THE BEST THING EVER!!"

I was the worship leader in service - one of my favorite things to do at church!

Very special music in church today - the bell choir accompanied the Cherub Choir in a rendition of "Zacchaeus." Definitely the first time that Daniel and I have ever performed a song together. :)

Daniel did homework and The Drama Was High. Daniel declared that having to sound out words was the "worst thing ever!" and went on to clarify that this was indeed worse than being eaten by a crocodile, worse than someone dying, and even worse than eating broccoli. Having to write was declared not the worst thing ever, but instead, "the most boring thing ever." Notice the check-mark to the left of each line in the picture below. That was Daniel preemptively checking each line off BEFORE it was even completed, because, "I know I will do a great job." ;)

Building with Legos was cool. But when are Legos not cool??

Annika worked on the science fair project with her best friend. No picture of this because her awesome mom had the girls over, took them shopping, and helped them get started on the first few trial runs of their experiment. Thank you!!

Will ran 17 miles. On Sunday, that is. On Saturday, he ran 8 miles, while I was quite proud of myself for running a whole 5 miles. Yes. I am trying to think of a joke but really, there is nothing funny or to be diminished about 17 miles. ;)

Julie and I had a Sister Date tonight!! We opted to go to the Keltic Star for dinner, which is styled as an Irish pub in Aggieveille.

We opted for the Welsh rabbit appetizer.

We both ordered the same entree - Shepherd's Pie. Yum!!

Because this clearly was not enough food, we walked over to Bluestem Bistro (aka Java, always Java) to get dessert. We split a piece of Peanut Butter and Jelly Pie, which was delicious, but made me feel like a giant slug the rest of the night.

Meanwhile, Will and the kids had dinner at McAllister's!

How was your Valentine's Day and weekend??