Carrying Pain

I process pain by sharing with others. I feel emotions strongly, and sharing feelings of intense grief, anxiety, despondency, worries with others lightens my load. This is not always a fair transaction and I am not strong in assessing the appropriateness of sharing a particular struggle. But I feel lightened when I can share pain.

So it is with sadness and wistfulness I have realized I am not skilled at carrying the pain of others. According to the Ennegram personality test, I am a Type 2 "helper." I am emotional and derive great joy from helping others. But wanting to help does not mean I am strong at helping. If someone opens up with me about a hurt or a struggle, I want to fix the problem. Instead of listening, I offer suggestions. Instead of holding their pain, I analyze, discuss root causes, brainstorm paths forward. Instead of being a steady rock on which to lean, I become emotional myself.

So the next time a child, friend, family member shares their hurts and struggles, I want to pause. I want to listen. I want to hold space with them. I want to hold their hand, but not steal their struggle and make it my own. I want to lighten their load without fixing. I want to help carry their pain.