A Weighty Issue

I have written numerous times about being unsatisfied with my weight. I have not changed my eating habits and continue to exercise frequently, so am not sure why I have gained weight. I currently weigh more than I ever have in my entire life - including when I was 9+ months pregnant with each child. 

Since April, I have been seeing a nutritionist to work on becoming an “intuitive eater" and to get away from food rules. It has been amazingly helpful - but I have been frustrated that I have not lost any weight, and am apparently the only person on the planet who actually gains weight while working with a nutritionist. 

One area that my nutritionist has been working with me on is to stop weighing myself and to go by intuitive cues of hunger/fullness to guide eating. I told her this morning that I would kind of like to start weighing myself again, because I know at my most recent doctor's appointment I had gained several pounds and have this vague anxiety that I am continuing to gain weight.

"What would weighing yourself accomplish?" she asked this morning.

"Well, then I would know for certain what my weight is. I just have this vague, nebulous fear that I am getting heavier all the time."

"So you'd have specific anxiety instead of general anxiety?" she responded. BINGO! YES! I want my specific anxiety! ;)

But then I had a huge breakthrough. The reason I feel so anxious about not knowing my specific weight right now is that MY WEIGHT TELLS ME MY SPECIFIC VALUE AS A PERSON. That's right. If I have lost weight, I have become a more valuable person. If I have gained weight (which I am afraid I have), then I am a less valuable person. I think I have realized that I have this hang-up intellectually before, but this was the first time I emotionally connected with this implicit belief on such a visceral level. I was literally in tears as I made this connection.

What is absolutely ridiculous is that I would never, ever, EVER connect someone else's value as a person with their weight. To even fathom of doing so seems absolutely crazy and horrible and awful. But yet I have no problem connecting my OWN value as a person with my weight.

Is this something that you struggle with as well? Do you feel that your value as a person fluctuates with your weight (or your appearance...or your complexion...or any other myriad factors)? If so, you are so very not alone. Let's band together to work on recognizing our own, intrinsic self-worth that is completely independent of the scale. And treat ourselves with as much kindness as we would any other person.