The Loneliest Parenting Years

I have something controversial to share and I know not everyone will agree with me. We all have different experiences and preferences and needs, and my story will look different from others. But here goes: I think being a parent of a high school student is one of the loneliest stages of parenting.

Hear me out. When our kids were babies, problems were much simpler. Privacy concerns were minimal. Most concerns were universal. It was easy to share struggles with other parents because so many could relate - and there were few ramifications for our children if we shared these challenges. You are tired because you were up every two hours with a hungry newborn? Me, too, sister. Your child is having a hard time transitioning to solid food? Don't sweat it, friend. You are agonizing over whether to stay at home or return to the workforce? Do whatever works best for your family, mama.

As our children grow older and start elementary school, a parenting lull occurs. Our children still need us in ways more complicated than ever before, but the physical needs have dropped off and the emotional needs have not yet increased. And it feels as if all parents are on a similar playing field. Did you bottle-feed or breast-feed? Doesn't matter one iota now. Were you a cloth or disposable diapering family? No one cares. Instead, most of the needs of this age - developing academic skills, fostering independence, cultivating character - still feel universal and as if all parents are on the same team.

I posit that, though, as our children reach late middle school and enter high school, that it becomes more difficult to share with others. Much of this is because of a growing need for privacy and autonomy for our children. Our children's struggles are real, but their developing need to be in control of their own story means that we can share this narrative with few others. This need for seclusion of information is important, but also means that parents can sometimes feel alone and that they are the only family going through similar struggles. Is your child failing calculus? Lonely and longing for a tight group of friends? Struggling to land a part-time job? It is much less likely we will share these struggles compared to in the earlier years.

But, at least in my case, I sometimes hesitate to share because I fear judgment in a way I did not before. Should my daughter be studying for standardized college entrance tests right now? I don't know, but if I push this, then I might be a neurotic, overbearing parent, prioritizing academic achievement about all. If I don't push it, then I might be a slacker, neglectful parent who is jeopardizing my child's future. My daughter is not doing many extracurricular activities - a balm for happiness or too many hours to be idle and slothful? Obviously, I know these reactions are crude exaggerations and very few people are judging others. But I hear so much contradictory information that it is often difficult for me to decide what is the optimal path.

I know the teenage and high school parenting years are not lonely for everyone. But they are lonelier than I imagined for me. And I hope that be being honest about challenges of this space can make everyone feel more connected.