The Poor First-Borns

Earlier this week, I wrote a blog entry on all some of the parenting mistakes that I have made (click here). It was only went and I went back and re-read it that I realized that almost all of my mistakes are with my first child, my Annika Grace.

Being too embarrassed to seek help? Not carrying her enough when she was still little? Insisting that she try organized activities before she showed any interest? Choosing a daycare based on glitz? All mistakes that I only made with her, our daughter, our first-born. I have made plenty mistakes with our second-born, Believe You Me, but many of them I made with both my son and his older sister.

I am a first-born child, also a girl, and have a lot of empathy for what it is like to be a first-born child. And now I have a whole new level of empathy for my wonderful parents, who were equally full of love and good intentions as they made their way through this whole parenting business. It's hard to be a parent, but it is especially hard to be a parent of a first-born child. Because....

10. Everything is New. When Annika was born, Will and I had three master's degrees between us. Had either of us ever even changed a diaper before? Why, nooooo, now that you mention it. It's not that changing diapers are hard - but if you've never been around babies, much less had one of your own, it's a really steep learning curve.

9. Many Things are Hard. Figuring out how to breastfeed? Hard. Figuring out how to function on little sleep? Also hard. Figuring out what kind of balance between life/home/career you want while you are also raising a tiny newborn? Very hard. So many decisions and yet no experience to make them.

8. Milestones Feel So Very Important. I remember thinking that my daughter was so behind and destined for a life as an Invalid because she did not walk until 14 months. I read somewhere that after 12 months was "late" and somehow had that in my head. 14 months is not even late - and even if it was, it means nothing. I think that each subsequent child you have helps you realize this more and more.

7. New Parenting Can Be Isolating. This largely depends on your social circle, but I was a younger first-time mom (officially part of the CDC's count of "Teen Pregnancy" even though I was a whopping 4 months from my 25th birthday) and did not know any other parents in the area before our daughter was born. I think it is much more likely for moms and dads to know other parents if they already have a child, since kids are good vehicles for forging all kinds of connections with other kids/parents, but first-time kids often need to be a trailblazer here.

6. Everything is Personal. Toddler temper tantrums? Because you're a horrible mom. Child refuses to potty train? Horrible mom, again. Going through everything the first time, especially as a fairly achievement-oriented person, any setback or child who does not follow the script in parenting books exactly feels highly personal. And that's not healthy, because....

5. The Spot Light is So Bright. Before my son was born, any Parenting Energy I had was focused on my daughter. This was usually a great thing, but could also be like being under the glare of a spotlight at all times - which for my introvert daughter, was often exhausting. The spotlight definitely weakened for my subsequent child, which was sad in some ways but quite freeing in others.

4. Everything Must be as It SHOULD Be. Oh my goodness, do first-born children inspire strong mental scripts among parents about how things "should" go. Children should wear their Halloween costumes and be excited about trick-or-treating! If not, let's force them to so that we all Make Happy Memories together! Children must face the audience during the Christmas play, and if not, they are doomed to a life of delinquency! I feel bad for my daughter that I had so many strong visions of how Very Important Events would proceed that I was unable to live spontaneously and sometimes enjoy the (unscripted) moments that emerged. 

3. Seeking Help Feels Like a Failure. I've written about this several times before, but suffice it is say, I was so embarrassed about some of Annika's sensory and other problems that I never actively sought help for them until she was older. I think this is partly because first-born children feel like they should be such a strong reflection of our own parenting, whereas with subsequent children it's much easier to give up that illusion.

2.  Same-Gender Children are Hard. Okay, this is not unique to being a first-born, since we have noticed the same pattern with my husband and son, but having a same-gender child (my daughter) seems to inspire more identification as a parent. Which makes any setbacks or struggles feel that much more personal, when again, they have nothing to do with you. (Gosh, I think this "Everything is Personal" point is quite a theme...) 

1. All Struggles Exist Because You Love Them So, So, SO MUCH. Being a parent of a first-born child means that you love them, just like you do every single subsequent child, with every fiber in your body. And you are still figuring out not only your child, but what works for you, as a parent. Thankfully, despite all of the screw-ups guaranteed to happen to any Guiana Pig Child, this intense love means that everything will be just fine.

What birth order are you?