On Reading

Reading was my favorite pastime as a child. From the moment I first memorized and recited the book Madeline at two years of ago, I was hooked. One year, at a lonely point in 5th grade, I tracked my reading habits for the month of February and was astounded to discover I had read 60 books by the end of the month. Reading helped me decipher seemingly obtuse social codes. Reading gave me comfort. Reading helped me unlock whole new worlds. Reading was like breathing.

As I grew older, I had less time to read, partly because my responsibilities expanded, but partly because I bought into the narrative that I did not have enough time to read. When I first went to college, I took hardly any books with me, so sure was I that I would be devoting all of my time to studying and would have little time to read for pleasure. I soon reversed course and devoured books I borrowed from my now-husband. The period when I started my PhD program was another low point in my reading trajectory. I spent so much time reading and analyzing papers for school and raising my children that I had little energy to read for pleasure myself.

When I moved to Manhattan eight and a half years ago, I was determined to make tenure, take care of my family - and make time to read for pleasure. I think I have mostly succeeded in that endeavor. In no particular order, what helps me be a reader today:

10. Book Clubs - At one point, I was in five book clubs at once. Today, I am in a much more manageable two (well, maybe three groups....). Not only do book clubs bring together people who also love to read and share common interests, having a set deadline forces me to finish books that may have been challenging to get through on my own.

9. Library Holds - Speaking of deadlines, there is nothing like a deadline to ensure that finishing a book will happen, rather than getting distracted by other books. I absolutely love how our library system allows patrons to place holds on library books that can be easily picked up at the library when they are available - and how there is a built-in deadline on finishing the book.

8. Kindle -  I have fully metamorphosed into a reader who could only imagine reading physical books to one who actually prefers e-books on my phone or Kindle device. Part of this reason is that such books can be read in snippets anywhere and anytime. I also love another the ability to read on my phone in bed and the relative lightness of the devices. 

7. Kindle e-books from the Library - Another huge reason behind my change to preferring to read on my Kindle is the plethora of e-books available in Kindle format at the library, which are incredibly easy to check out and accumulate no late fees. Heaven.

6. Much time spent researching books - It seems counter-intuitive, but as I have increased the energy and effort I put into researching potential books, I find I actually read more. Having a great book to dive into greatly increases the odds I will finish it. I am part of an awesome online group of friends which discusses books, which is a huge source of suggestions. I also very carefully read reviews, follow publisher releases, and put a good deal of energy into attempting to identify books I might enjoy.

5. No shame in abandoning books - I start many, many books I never finish. Perhaps they were not the right book for me. Perhaps I was not in the right mood when I started. In any case, I have no guilt in neglecting to finish a book that is not working for me, especially ones I am solely reading on my own.

4. Keeping a List - In 2013, I started keeping a list of books read during the year. I have loved looking back on these lists, particularly when friends asked for recommendations.

3. Joining Goodreads - One of the best decisions I made was joining Goodreads a year or two ago. This site is a social media platform for book lovers, but it also helps to keep track of books read, store ratings, compile reviews, and more. And I have already been stopped at least once from checking out a non-fiction book that I forgot I already read years ago.

2. Reading eclectically- Overall, I probably read around 60% fiction titles and 40% non-fiction books. Within those categories, though, I love to read contemporary fiction, classics, memoirs, self-help, historical fiction, thrillers, science-fiction, historical narratives, social commentary, religious explorations, and about any genre where the title looks interesting. This mixture of genres keeps my reading life fresh and invigorating.

1. Making the time - Once, in college, I was on the 3rd floor of Calvin Hall. I had about 15 minutes in between classes, and pulled out a novel I was reading. Another student saw me, incredulous to her friends around her that anyone in college would have the time to read for pleasure. In the 15 minutes I was in the lounge area, I read my novel. In the 15 minutes this fellow student was there, she appeared to also use the time in in non-productive manner. We all have time to waste. We all have a little time to spare. For me, reading is important and I make it a priority. For others, this may be cooking, or baking, or spending time with friends, or watching TV, or surfing online, or a million different activities. Not everyone enjoys reading - but for those who do - I hope you are able to a find a few spare minutes here and there to enjoy. Because it is so very worth it.

2018 Reading Challenge - Books 41-50

The long flights this week have given me plenty of time to read, bringing my total books read so far this year to 50 books. #49 was one of my favorites of the year, I thought I would roll my eyes at #42 but actually really enjoyed it, and both #41 and #48 are great if you enjoy twists that keep you guessing. 

41. Sometimes I Lie, by Alice Feeney (a book with an unreliable narrator) - Psychological thriller that opens with a woman in a coma trying to piece together what has happened. So many twists and turns! Highly entertaining and kept me guessing.

42. Girl, Wash Your Face, by Rachel Hollis (a book recommended by a friend) - I was a little hesitant about this one because I read reviews saying it was for privileged women with no real problems. Well. Evidently I am the target demographic, because I really enjoyed it and found it engaging. The book is divided into 20 chapters on a lie the author once believed, how she changed her perspective, and then 3 things at the end of each chapter that helped. It reminded me of reading a Jen Hatmaker book but I thought it was better written.

43. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, by Sherman Alexie (a book Annika wanted me to read) - My daughter read this novel and wanted me to read it as well. It's a YA novel about a 14-year-old boy living on an Indian reservation who decides to attend the local high school instead. Really enjoyable fast read that I think does a great job of exposing kids to another culture in the U.S.

44. I’d Rather Be Reading, by Anne Bogel (a book of essays on reading) - Sweet book of essays on what it means to be a reader. The author writes a blog that I follow (Modern Mrs. Darcy). I think this would be a fun gift book for someone who loves to read. Nothing earth shattering, but fun to think about how books and reading both influence your life.

45. The Days of Abandonment, by Elena Ferrante (a book for book club) - I had previously read My Brilliant Friend by the author and loved it. This is an earlier work and is the first-person narrative of a mom of young children whose husband leaves her. It is visceral, raw, and painful to read in parts. But it does an excellent job of portraying the emotional fallout.

46. Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott (a book on writing) - A beautiful book full of writing (and life) advice. Best piece: “Shitty first drafts.” Also loved the ideas to start writing by documenting your childhood, the emphasis on character, and the advice to sit down each day and simply get words on the page.

47. Hunger, by Roxane Gay (a memoir of the author’s body) - A memoir focused on the author’s body, how she survived a horrible gang rape when she was 12, and turned to food as a coping mechanism and a way to become invisible. I have gained some weight recently and totally can identify with the feelings of shame and exposure when your body is not a size you would like.

48. Sweet Little Lies, by Caz Frear (a police procedural murder mystery) - a murder mystery told from the perspective of a police detective. Lots of twists and fun to read a book set in London while we were visiting there.

49. Where the Crawdads Sing, by Delia Owens (a nature, coming of age, and mystery novel) - an absolutely beautiful book, riveting to the very end. The author has written non-fiction nature accounts before, but this is her first novel - the descriptions are beautiful.

50. An Absolutely Remarkable Thing, by Hank Green (a sci-fi novel about fame) - the author is the brother of famous YA author John Green. A sci-fi novel at its core, but really an examination of the price of fame as told by the snarky narrator.

Coachable

A meme I have seen often reads: "Your child's success or lack of success in sports does not indicate what kind of parent you are. But having an athlete that is coachable, respectful, a great teammate, mentally tough, resilient, and tries their best IS a direct reflection of your parenting."

On the one hand, I love this quote. I love the fact it emphasizes character rather than ability. I love all the values embodied - respect, resiliency, effort.

On the other hand, this quote makes me feel like I have failed as a parent. Neither of my children is particularly resilient. I would not use "mentally tough" to describe either. I think both have room to improve in being more coachable.

But then I wonder, how much of that is due to my own actions, and how much of it is due to their inherent nature? I am not particularly resilient or mentally tough myself. Did I teach my children to have those deficits? Or did they already have a natural proclivity toward these tendencies?

And this begs a bigger question - how much credit - or blame - do parents deserve? If our kids are amazing adults, is this due to our success as a parent? If our kids are abject failures, should our own feet be held to the fire as parents?

I think I am a very average parent. I have many deficits, but I care and I try hard. In the end, though, I think my children are who they are - and it is my job to guide them as best I can. Their deficits may be a direct reflection on me as a parent, but I will have to live with the fact that I - and everyone else - am doing the best I can.

Financial Literacy

After Thanksgiving, I am going to give a talk to all of the 5th graders at my son's school about financial literacy. I am an accounting professor and presumably should have some thoughts about financial literacy for children, but in actuality, I am just as clueless as any other parent about what kinds of skills and information and knowledge to impart.

Part of the problem is that discussing finances, money, resources, and personal economics is such a taboo topic in our culture. I was reminded of this implicit ban on discussing monetary costs this morning, when my husband and I received a quote to replace our home's exterior siding and to remodel our master bedroom and bathroom. The quote was so large, about three times higher than the highest estimate that Google had earlier predicted, that my first instinct was to laugh. My second instinct was to discuss this estimate with other people, to see if it was anywhere close to realistic. But to do so would be discussing money, and it feels inherently taboo and icky and personal to discuss money with anyone not directly involved.

I struggle with how much of our finances to share with our own children. Our children have asked how much we earn and I have resisted telling them. But I wonder if keeping them in the dark is doing them a disservice. Perhaps if I were to show them a paycheck, accompanied by how much was already taken out up front for various taxes and other contributions, along with our typical expenditures for the month, they would start to intuit some of the costs and trade offs that come with making financial decisions. Or perhaps I should make them responsible for more expenses. My daughter will be off to college in three and a half short years, and I worry that her financial involvement to this point has been deciding how to spend or save her monthly allowance.

Some of this financial illiteracy is due to our privileged position. When I was in high school, I had multiple friends who worked as soon as they were old enough, not for spending money or to save toward future college costs, but to contribute toward their parents and recurring household expenses. Being shielded from financial realities is largely a result of not having economic worries. But it may not be the best long-term solution for good financial health.

I will probably end up looking at Pinterest for what kinds of financial topics to discuss with 5th graders. And it is easy to speak in generalities about financial literacy and health. But knowing where to draw the line on real-life financial examples is much more difficult.

Parenting Progression

[Photo Credit: Amy Meng Photography]

I am compiling all of my prior blog posts on parenting into some form of a book. What is fascinating  is how so much of what I wrote in 2008, 2013, you name it, is still very much applicable today.

One theme weaves through like a ribbon among all others: Worry. I worried about whether my children were meeting appropriate milestones. Worried about whether a child was on the autism spectrum. Worried about social interactions. Worried about whether a child would ever learn to read. Worried about if we were doing enough activities, or too many activities. Worried about events in the past. Worried about possibilities in the future that may never come to fruition.

Reading back over those past worries, so many of them seem ridiculous. Others seem like relics of a different era. But in some, I wondered why I worried so much about a particular area - but then never addressed the worry with a professional. My worrying seemed to be simultaneously groundless and incapable of resulting in any kinds of changes. It's as if I were stuck in my seat, worried about an impending fire, but refusing to evacuate the building.

A second theme pops up: Tone. My earlier blog entries were snarky, witty, tongue-in-cheek. My later blog entries have become more earnest, melodramatic, introspective. It's almost hard to believe all were written by the same person, and it will probably be difficult to meld into a single cohesive narrative. But I think as I have shifted from my late-20s to my almost-40s, my tone and outlook have shifted. I have much less shame in writing about who I am and what I am feeling and do not feel the urge to hide behind snark, even if such thoughts were probably best relegated to a journal rather than shared with the world.

A third and final theme emerges: Gratitude. My gratitude for having documented these emotions and feelings is high. I know many parents of older children will joke no one should write a parenting book until all the writer's children have grown and flown the nest. But I think that is a mistake. For reading back over these thoughts when my children were younger pulls me in to an era I am incapable of accessing through stored memories alone. And I think only reflecting at parenting through the lens of time means that the immediacy and rawness of the moment are stripped away.

I absolutely love seeing how my thoughts on parenting have progressed. And, while it would probably be better for my career if I devoted extra time into working on job-related duties, what a joy it is to work on this project.

Purging

This Christmas holiday, our family is not going on a trip anywhere, but will instead stay home and declutter the house. We are going to London next week for Thanksgiving, which I am eagerly anticipating, but I am looking forward to our time at home for Christmas with just as much expectation. I feel like our house, possessions, lives are out of control and need reigned in. One of the best ways to do this is by purging, by taking inventory of what we no longer need and moving on.

Will and I used to de-clutter our house annually. When our children were small, they stayed with grandparents for a week each year at Christmas while we organized, re-arranged, and cleaned the house from top to bottom. Staring in 2013, we switched to taking a family vacation each year during that same time, which has been glorious and wonderful, but the stress from our house has continued to mount each year. We moved in 2015, and decluttered a great deal then, but have had no similar purges since then, and it shows.

While our physical house is in the most need of a drastic overhaul, so are much of the rest of our lives and commitments. I spent 30 minutes this afternoon purging my "Want to Read" books on my Goodreads account and cutting the number of books I plan to read in half. I originally added many of these books with good intentions but they no longer excite me, and lseeing them on my list was causing me a nagging sense of failure. I want to thoroughly examine all of our family's commitments and figure out which ones may have served a purpose for a season, so I can open time and space for other new opportunities. At work, I am trying to be very careful about taking on new projects. I have a backlog of in-progress projects where I often feel like I am not contributing as much as I would like, and I want to finish those up before adding anything new.

I wish I were good at avoiding the need for purging. If I could evaluate each purchase, each possession, each opportunity more stringently as it came, I might end up with a more well-balanced life all together. But most of these items served a purpose at one point - but have no longer continued to do so. And harboring guilt about taking them on in the first place or in setting them free does no one any good.

So in this season of purging, I will try to let go of anything weighing me down. I wish I did not have to enter this cycle. But I will give myself grace in recognizing the need to move on.

Life Before Kids

I have often been fascinated by my parents' married lives before my sister and I were born. My dad served as a meteorologist in the air force. My mom worked as an elementary-school teacher. Both earned graduate degrees. My parents were married for seven years before I was born, and I remember as a child spinning that time like a fairy tale, recalling snippets and bits of information. The total story I have put together is likely inaccurate, but captivating.

My husband and I were married nearly six years before we had our first child. But I was married so young it feels as if we grew up together in that time. In our married lives before children, we each graduated from college, then each earned master's degrees (or two master's degrees, with my husband). We moved to Kansas City and began professional jobs. When my daughter was born, I was only 24 years old and my first career had barely begun, but I felt as though we had been waiting to become financially and professionally stable our entire marriage, and, now that we were finally there, it was only logical to have children next.

Sometimes I look back and squint and I can barely remember my pre-child self. Who am I without children? I think some of this confusion is that I was so young myself that I was still growing as a person while my children were born. When my daughter was a year old, we eschewed financial responsibility, quit our jobs, sold our house, and moved to Florida to go back to school. So much of my growth and development happened those five years in Florida, during which my son was also born, that having children seems intricately tied up in a coming-of-age experience for me. I feel I have little to share with my own children about what life is like without them.

My children will leave our house at some point and my husband and I will be back to the two of us. We are excited to have more opportunities to travel, eager to have more alone time with just the two of us, looking forward to evenings of spontaneity. But this will be not a rebirth of our pre-child life, but a new metamorphosis altogether.