Depression Lies

One of the most frustrating things about any chronic physical or mental condition is that it never goes away. Sometimes, it is tricky because you feel so well and so good and so functional, and then, bam! Out of the blue, a reminder that your condition is still there.

I have been feeling this way about my depression recently, something that I have battled since I was a teenager, but which I have been so aggressive about treating with medication and therapy and exercise and Doing All the Right Things over the past few years that I sometimes forget that I am still fighting it. But yet, deep down, it's still there, and will likely always be there. And one of the worst parts are the lies that it says:

- You aren't a good mom.
- You aren't productive enough at work.
- You are a bad person for feeling down when you have so much to be grateful for.
- You aren't enough.
- It will never get better.

And on, and on, and on. And even though I know that these are lies, and can call them out as such, these destructive thoughts can still have so much power.

If you are dealing with depression or another chronic condition, I am so very sorry. And if you are feeling that you aren't enough, please know that that is a lie. And that we can face this together.

Annika's Art

Both kids loved yesterday's blog entry of funny things that Daniel has said over the years - but Annika was a little bummed that we didn't have an "Annika Quotes" entry. My friend Charity suggested that perhaps we could have something showing Annika's artwork over time instead. I think this is a brilliant idea, so, for the sake of balance, here are random shots of drawings, paintings, pottery, photography, books, and sewing projects that Annika has done over the past several years. 

Conversations with Daniel David

Our 7-year-old is definitely inquisitive...and hilarious...and unique. ;) I often post conversations that we have with him on Facebook, but for the sake of posterity, thought I would compile some of them into a blog entry. 

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2-year-old Daniel: 

Me - "Daniel, I will get that for you in 1 minute."

Daniel - "No! 2 minutes!!"

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4-year-old Daniel: 

Daniel - "When I grow up, I don't think I want to be a parent." 

Me - "Why not?"

Daniel - "It seems really hard."
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Daniel - "I am not very excited to be a grown-up."

Me - "Why not?"

D - "Because then I will have all of this grading to do."

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Annika - "Daniel, let's play matchmaker. What qualities do you want in a wife?" 

Daniel - "To never disagree with me."

Annika - "Well, that's never going to happen."

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My son's advice to me on getting the house picked up: "Don't worry, Mom. Anyone who comes over will see we're not fancy people."
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Daniel - "Mom, do you want a chocolate owl?"

Me - "No thanks; I am going to try not to eat sugar for the next month."

D - "Haha!!! You are going to FAIL!!!"

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Last night, Daniel mentioned that some of the kids at school miss their moms during the day.

Me - "Do you ever miss me during school?"

D - "Oh NO. Never EVER. NEVER never never never EVER. NEVER."

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Daniel - "Is there anything wrong with ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends??"

Me - "No. Why?"

D - "Because a lot of the songs on the radio are about running away from them."

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Me - "I need to get this paper back to my co-authors tonight."

Annika - "What!?? You have co-authors?!?! Do you write books?"

Me - "No, just articles."

Daniel - "Are you a very famous author??"

Me - "Um. No."

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"Mom, can we please have dinner at home tonight?? Because we eat out all of the time."

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"Mom, we have not been to McDonalds in a very long time. Like, it has been way more than a week."

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Me - "Daniel, you seem hyper."

D - "I'm not hyper, I'm crazy! But not because I ate sugar today. It's just my normal attitude."

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Daniel - "Do you know what is weird? I look exactly like Dad when he was 7, but I act like you, and Annika kind of looks like you, but she acts like Dad."

Me - "How so?"

D - "Well, you are the most energetic of the parents, and I'm the most energetic of the kids. But I'm waaaay more energetic than you."

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My son is wearing a shirt backwards today. And it is not very discreet. ;)wink emoticon

I told him he'd want to fix it and he responded, "I don't need to, Mom. I'm not very fashionable." 

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Daniel -  "Mom, why do I like Dad more than I like you now??"

Me - "Um, I don't know, buddy."

D - "I think it's because your toenail fell off."

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Daniel - "Everything I know, I've learned from Dad."

Me - "You've never learned anything from anyone else?"

D - "Oh yeah - school!"

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Daniel - "Why don't parents teach you everything you need to know?"

Me - "Um, like what?"

D - "Well, you never taught me how to open doors."

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First-World Problems, 7-year-old edition:

"I don't like our new house as much anymore because it is closer to Dairy Queen and we go there all the time now."

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Daniel - [Heavy sigh]

Me - "What's wrong?"

D - "I wish it was another day in paradise. But it's not."

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Daniel - "When you delete a photo from your phone, where does it go?"

Will - "It erases it from the phone."

D - "Oh. I thought it sent it to the government."

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Our summer nanny reported that yesterday, Daniel asked what "slavery" was. After explaining the concept, D responded, "Oh! Being a slave is like having parents!"

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Last night, when I snuggled with Daniel in his bed after we finished reading books, he very sweetly whispered in my ear, "Mom, this is my favorite part of the day!" Two seconds later, he added, "Why does your breath smell gross??"

Children: Because knowing what to expect next would be dull. 

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In telling the kids that we are going to a marriage retreat this weekend, the following exchange occurred:

Daniel - "I would give your marriage a 9 out of 10, because Mom, you were young to be married."

Annika - "No, an 8 out of 10! Dad was young, too!"

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Me - "Do you have any idea what you might like for Christmas?"

Daniel - "I have no ideas! My brain is hurting from thinking of ideas! Shouldn't you think of ideas?!"

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Daniel - "Next Christmas, I know a present that I want. Coal!!"

Will - "Um. Why?"

D - "Because it's awesome."

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And finally, today's conversation:

Daniel - "Mom, you have a bad habit that you should stop doing."

Me - "Oh really?"

D - "Yeah. When you ask a question of if I want to do something, but I still have to do it even if I say no. It isn't really a question."

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Edited in Oct 2016 to add:

Daniel - "Mom, I think that carving pumpkins is not your thing."

Me - "Why do you think that?" 

D - "Well, you have been my mother for eight and a half years."

The 5 Stages of Injuries

This week has seen several very minor health setbacks for our family - I found out that my foot is broken with a hairline fracture and cannot exercise for 6 weeks, I learned that I have a cavity (oh, the shame!), and my son is currently battling a fever/stomach bug. We are truly incredibly blessed health-wise and these are probably the most minor events of all time. But despite the very minor nature of these set-backs, I am convinced that there are still 5 Stages that you go through with any kind of injury or illness. Such as . . .

Stage 1, Denial: I am the BEST at denial. I am convinced that I could live in this stage forever. For instance, with my foot, I waited a good solid week after hurting it before I had it checked out, and that was only because my husband (and all of my family members) insisted. During that time, I also continued to run on it and go to boot camp, but who is counting? Denial is the best.

Stage 2, Anger: This was primarily the case for my cavity. I have this deeply ingrained sense of shame and failure whenever I learn that I have anything wrong with my teeth, so of course my first reaction was, "What do you mean?! I floss every day!!" It's a very healthy stage, let me tell you what. ;)

Stage 3, Bargaining: "Please don't my son be sick. I promise to be patient and kind and loving forever and ever and ever. Oh. Whoops. Definitely sick. Well, please don't vomit again, please not until I have cleaned up the carpet. Oh. Whoops." This type of bargaining never works, but it's good to have at least some sense of false hope.

Stage 4, Depression: I think this is the stage I am currently in with my foot and not being able to run, go to boot camp, or even go on regular walks. I am positive that I can feel my fitness slipping away by the minute. Running the half marathon that I registered for in March is looking less and less likely. This is actually a pretty terrible time of year to be outside, but I am convinced that I would have nothing but Intense Running Joy if I were actually able to run now. Oh, the First World Problem! ;)

Stage 5, Acceptance: Whenever I look back at blog entries from when the kids were sick, I am always amazed at how much emotional energy I wasted in worrying and fretting when Everything Always Turns Out Fine. And I know that everything will truly be fine in the end, because it is. But in the mean time, I think I might eat just a little bit more chocolate... ;)

2016: One Little Word

One of my traditions each year is to make a bunch of New Year's Resolutions, get overwhelmed, and then quit and fail them all in a spectacular fashion. So in addition to limiting myself to just one true "resolution" this year (to exercise every.single.day), I am adopting the "One Little Word" approach to the year.

The goal with "One Little Word" is to pick a theme word for the year to, as blogger Ali Edwards puts it, "focus on, reflect on, and meditate on" as you go about your daily life (click here for original source). I personally think this is a great idea - rather than adopting a million goals that are breathing down your neck, you choose one theme word to guide your actions for the year.

As soon as I read about this concept, my word for 2016 immediately came to mind: Generous. I want to be generous with my time, generous with my resources, generous with my energy, and generous in my interactions with all around me. I want to carry out our church's guiding values of dignity, hospitality, compassion, spiritual growth, discipleship, and community with generous enthusiasm. I want to stress and worry less, volunteer and give back more, and do it all with a generous spirit of gratitude. I am really excited to see what journeys this theme word will take me on!

Oh, and while my family has also each made a resolution for the year, they are adamantly not on board with this one little word business for themselves. Will has declared his word would be "indifference," while Annika is befuddled - "how can we tell what the theme of the year is until the year is over?!?" So it looks like perhaps we will all be practicing generosity together this year. ;)

What theme word would you choose for yourself this year? 

10 Parenting Reflections

I have been on winter break this past bit, which has given me a lot of time and space to reflect. And of course, one of the areas that I have been reflecting on the most is parenting. Such as . . .

10. I wonder if anyone ever feels like they are doing a good job. I am not sure if this feeling of uncertainty and self-doubt ever goes away. I think this might be because your parenting inputs are so far removed from your parenting outputs that it can be unclear whether you are making the right choices or decisions. Or maybe just . . .

9. Worries don't go away as children grow older. My kids are 11 and 7 now, and if anything, my worries have become more refined. I remember telling myself when I had a pregnancy scare once that I would never worry about anything as long as my baby was alive, but I now find myself worrying about whether they are physically active enough, the long-term consequences of eating so few fruits and vegetables, and whether it is possible to actually be addicted to Minecraft. Which seems so inconsequential in the face of actual life and death worries, but remain just the same.

8. Children really do look like angels when they are sleeping. I could sit and look at them sleeping all night, even though they are older and would probably be bothered by that. But perhaps not, because . . .

7. I am so much more willing to slow down time for my second child than for my first. In hindsight, I feel like I was always rushing my first-born daughter to achieve milestones and grow up quickly. One particular example deals with lying down with the kids as they fall asleep at night - when my daughter was 7, I remember being quite annoyed with these requests and usually would only comply on special occasions. Now that my son is 7, though, I realize that these requests are fleeting and will be gone so quickly, and it is a magical time for both of us when we snuggle together at night. I wish I would have been more willing to do the same for my oldest, and try to keep reminding myself now that there is no need to rush growing up.

6. Time is precious. My husband and I work both full-time, so our kids are usually aren't home in the evenings until 5:30 p.m. or later, and then it feels like a constant battle to get everything done. Make dinner! Eat dinner! Go to activities! Do homework! Practice reading! Take a shower! Okay, don't take a shower and just go to bed! I feel like the older my kids get, the more that needs to be crammed into the evening and the faster that time seems to go.  

5. I never know what level of independence to provide. Is my 2nd-grader old enough to walk to school by himself? I think no, based on the very scientific fact that I have never seen anyone his age walking along; he thinks yes. Am I squashing his desire for independence by following beside him when we walk to school? Is this something reasonable that a 7-year-old should do? What age would be appropriate? Perhaps this is because . . .

4. Where is the parenting manual!? Sometimes I kind of miss the days of the What to Expect books, where so many of your random questions could be answered in one volume of a book. I could really use a What to Expect: The 11-Year-Old Girl Edition some days. ;)

3. Your kids are their own people. Sometimes I look at my children, and wonder how, being raised by husband and me, they could be so different from us in so many different ways. Where does their love and talent for art come from? Why has our love of music bypassed them? And then I remember - because they are not me. They are themselves. And my job is just to guide them the best I can. Except . . .

2. Except when they are exactly like you. Sometimes I listen to my daughter's crazy obsessions, or my son's dramatic meltdowns, and think, oh, yeah. They are just like me. And not always in the best ways. ;)

1. Love only grows more intensely. I swear with each passing year that I love my children more deeply and more fiercely than I ever thought possible. It is truly amazing. And there is truly nothing like it.

2015 Reading Challenge: Books 21 to 39

I love reading and I love challenges, and for 2015 engaged in a reading challenge to help diversify my book selections (click here for the original challenge). The first 20 books I read this year very neatly conformed to this challenge (click here for the list). The next 19 books I read I had to often start making up categories to get it to work. ;) 

21. Modern Romance, by Aziz Ansari (a book by a celebrity) - Aziz Ansari plays a hilarious characters on Parks & Recreation, so I was expecting a hilarious book. Which it is - BUT - it is more of a sociological study on dating among twenty-somethings in the modern world. It was (surprisingly) well-written, engaging, and yes, hilarious. :)

22. Small Victories, by Anne Lamott (a book of spiritual memoirs) - Oh, how I love Anne Lamott. I adore her writing in all forms, from previous books to magazine pieces to her Facebook page. Unfortunately, since I have read so much of her previous work, I could tell that at least a third of this book consisted of pieces that had previously been published. I enjoyed re-reading old favorites, but would probably have been disappointed had I purchased the book. 

23. Calm my Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow (a book recommended by a friend) - A sweet friend recommended this book after my "worrying" blog this summer. It is a biblical book on finding contentment and letting go of anxiety, with the key focus on trusting God with all matters. I really enjoyed the perspective and writing style. 

24. The Rumor, by Erin Hilderbrand (a beach read) - This book is a "beach read in every sense of the phrase: It's light. fluffy, and takes place on a beach town. It shows what a weak impression it made on me that I can barely remember it now. I think someone had an affair? Or was dying? Maybe both. ;) 

25. For the Love, by Jen Hatmaker (a book autographed by the author) - I love Jen Hatmaker, but reading the book was like reading a collection of blog posts.The book is loosely structured around the idea of grace, having grace for ourselves and for others, and goes in the order of self, family, neighbors, church. However, it was almost SO loosely structured that it felt like reading a blog - some serious essays on the future of the church and pastor burnout, followed by hilarious essays on fashion - but there did not always seem to be rhyme or reason to the order, and it could have benefited from having more coherent transitions between.

26. "How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, by Julie Lythcott-Haims (a parenting book) - This book rocked my world so much that I wrote a blog entry on it at the time when I finished reading it (click here to see). 

27. David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell (an insanely expensive paperback book) - I love Malcolm Gladwell and the way he can blend together research studies and really interesting anecdotes to make a point. This one is on why more "powerful" or "advantageous" areas may not be as advantageous as they sound - like small class sizes, selective colleges, growing up with both parents, etc. I like his writing style and it us very easy to read, although it reminds me of reading a really long magazine piece. Recommended if you like his other works.

28. A Window Opens, by Elisabeth Egan (a work-life balance book) - this book is a really fast, light read. It reminded me of an updated, Americanized version of "I Don't Know How She Does It." Mom of 3 kids goes back to work full time while juggling a dying father and normal problems of suburbia. It is very light and fit the bill of what I was looking for when I read it - in part because I could relate to a lot of the work/life balance tension.

29. He's Gone, by Deb Caletti (a book recommended by "what should I read next" website) -  Eh. This seemed to be a spin on "Gone Girl," only it is the husband who is missing and the wife cannot remember what happened the last night she saw him. It sounds like they had the perfect marriage, but as the book progresses you learn more about its seedy underbelly. I am "eh" because the pacing and writing both seemed to drag on. Or maybe I needed a break from missing-person books.

30. Who Do You Love, by Jennifer Weiner (a book I didn't finish) - Okay, I am totally cheating and counting this book in my total even though I suck and didn't finish it, because I gave it a good-faith effort and made it over halfway, so if you round up, it's like I finished it. I am not sure why I didn't like this book. I have liked other items that Jennifer Weiner wrote, and was in the mood for a fun chick lit novel. I think I didn't like the main (female) character - she seemed self-absorbed and shallow and I just didn't care about her. Or maybe I was just grumpy when I tried to read it. :)

31. Go Set a Watchman, by Harper Lee (a sequel to a beloved classic) - I really liked this book! Which was surprising, because I was prepared to hate it. "To Kill a Mockingbird" is one of my favorite books and I was so disappointed to hear when it first came out that the Atticus Finch of this book (set in 1954) is working for segregation, once attended a Klan meeting, etc. I think I really liked the book for two reasons: (1) This was written pre-Mockingbird (my understanding is that Harper Lee submitted this book and was told by editors to go back and re-work the book focusing on Scout's childhood), and I loved seeing where snippets from Mockingbird came from, what had been changed, what was developed, etc. (2) I really did appreciate reading about a more human and flawed Atticus as seen by an adult Scout. 

32. Humans of New York Stories, by Brandon Stanton (a coffee table book) - I follow the blog Humans of New York on Facebook and it is beautiful - both the photogrraphs and the accompanying stories. This is a collection of some of the most meaningful entries on the blog and is equally beautiful.  

33. Gratitude, by Oliver Sacks (a book written in the year of author's death) - I hesitate to call this a book, since I think it is perhaps 50 pages tops, but this collection of four essays written as Oliver Sacks faces imminent death from his terminal illness is quite touching. Very fast read and a nice complement to "Being Mortal." 

34. My Brilliant Friend, by Elena Ferrante  (a book about friendship) - Wonderful coming-of-age story set in Naples, Italy in the 1950s/early 1960s post-war period, and focuses on the at times lovely and at times rocky friendship between the protagonist and her "brilliant friend." It reminded me of an Italian "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" with the setting of urban poverty set among a changing society. The book was translated from Italian and you really get an overwhelming sense of a what a different time and place this was - especially with the omnipresent violence on all levels. Recommended if you like historical fiction, if you enjoy coming-of-age stories, or if you like books about female friendship. 

35. Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption, by Bryan Stevenson (a social justice book) - A non-fiction book about a lawyer who works on death-row cases that reads like a legal thriller. It is written in a very objective and generous manner, but at its core exposes all kinds of problems and inhumanities with our justice system. So compelling that about all I've done the past 2 days is read this. Highly recommended!!

36. What She Left Behind, by Ellen Marie Wiseman (a book with mental illness) - The novel is definitely a page-turner. It reminded me of "Orphan Train" with the juxtaposition of two stories, one a foster child in the 1990s and the other a woman in the 1920s who is involuntarily committed to an asylum. Both stories, especially the one from the 1920s, were SO SAD, but despite that and the fact that the writing is kind of choppy at times, I couldn't put it down.

37. Between You & Me: Confessions of a Comma Queen, by Mary Norris (a book on grammar) - The author is a long-time copy editor at The New Yorker magazine. The book is marketed as being about grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. - which it is - but seems more focused on telling stories about The New Yorker. It also seemed to wander and meander in many parts. I liked the book, but not as much as I was hoping.

38. The Nightingale, by Kristin Hannah  (a book about war) - This book was one of the best books I read all year. It focuses on the lives of two sisters in France during World War II and how they each react to the war in different ways. The writing is strong, the characters are all well-developed (and human), and the plot lines kept me on the edge of my seat. Highly recommended. 

39. Euphoria, by Lily King (a book based on a true story) - A dark but very well-written novel about three anthropologists in the 1930s (modeled after Margaret Mead and her real-life husbands). This is not a "happy" book but is engaging and very well written.

What are some of the best (or worst) books you have read this year?