Snowplow Parent

I read an article that Helicopter Parents are so 20th century. The new trend is to be a "Snowplow Parent" (sometimes referred to as a "Lawnmower Parent"). Helicopter parents hover. Snowplow parents take it to a whole new level, blazing down any obstacles in their child's path, even if that means crossing ethical boundaries.

None of us would like to think of ourselves as Snowplow Parents. I want to give my children autonomy, independence, and ownership. But in other ways, I feel like I am slowly creeping into Snowplow territory. Such as:

• I routinely check Parent Portal to stay updated on my children's progress in school. I keep telling myself I will stop, and have deleted the App from my phone, but still check online. If I notice one of my children ever has a missing assignment, I immediately tell them about it and nag them ("remind them," I like to tell myself) all evening and all morning before school. 

• I have gotten in the habit of going through my elementary school son's backpack and signing his planner each night. Parents are supposed to sign the planner each night, but instead of waiting for him to bring the planner for me to sign it, I have just been signing it on my own. 

• My daughter is a freshman in high school. She has a few challenges, and I have been anxious about her developing appropriate life skills for future employment. She has mentioned she would like to volunteer at the library this summer. I have been checking the library website each day to see if information has been posted about the application process for summer volunteers - rather than leaving the ball in her court. 

• I proactively make sure my son studies for spelling tests each week - again, rather than leaving the ball in his court.

None of these actions are necessarily bad, and do not believe they cross ethical or legal boundaries. But I think I am not helping my children develop ownership and autonomy. It is almost as if I am worried that they will fail if I do not intervene - so I do not give them the opportunity to fail. And this sends the message I do not think they are capable on their own, which is a self-reinforcing cycle. 

So this week, I have backed off. I told the kids I would quit nagging ("reminding") them about obligations. I would not breathe down their neck. I was going to step back and let them fail. And you know what? No one has failed yet. My son did not bring me his planner last night, and it bugged me because I knew I had not signed it - but he remembered on his own this morning. My kids both missed school on Monday for a funeral - and I did not get after them to talk to their teachers about what they had missed. And when I checked this morning (because old habits die hard...), both were still doing awesome in school. I need to figure out how to give my daughter ownership of finding a volunteer or work commitment that will help her grow - but we will get there.

Being a parent is hard. Stepping back is hard. But stepping back is also kind of liberating. And I hope my kids feel liberated, too.