I just finished reading For the Love, by my favorite blogger Jen Hatmaker, which is full of all kinds of great quotes and food for thought, but one thing that has really stuck with my is the idea of the fleeting time available in the "Family Years," or the child-raising years in which your children reside with you under one roof. I realized upon reading this that my husband and I are exactly halfway through our time in the Family Years - our daughter is 11 years old, meaning that we have been parents for 11 years, and our son is 7 years old, meaning that he will likely leave for college and we will be Empty Nesters in another 11 years.
This time has gone so quickly and I imagine that the next 11 years will fly by even faster. And so, reflecting at Half-Time, here are some of the bigger lessons that I have learned:
7. How to Love My Husband Even More.
I read somewhere that two-thirds of marriages experience a decline in martial satisfaction during the first year after having a baby. I am not sure why, but my husband and I were lucky enough to feel even more connected after becoming parents. We had been married almost six years before our daughter was born, but adding a child made me appreciate my husband even more. And watching him interact with our daughter showed me that there is so much love in this world to go around for everyone. But....
6. Having a Second Child Rocked My World.
When my son was born, I was completely off balance with work and life. I was at the end of my 3rd year of a PhD program and was completely and utterly obsessed with work. I would usually go into the office and work all weekend, leaving my husband and daughter behind to hang out at home or go on father-daughter adventures across Orlando. Looking back, I am appalled at how off-balance I had become.
Having my son utterly rocked my world and was a huge slap in the face with the fact that I was a work-a-holic. Seven years later, I still do not feel that I have completely gotten my Work Mojo back, but I feel 110% better balanced. I hope that I would have made this realization on my own at some point, but having a second child immediately made a much better, more present, and more balanced mother. And I am so very thankful for that.
5. Going By the Book Guarantees Nothing.
When I had my son, I was determined to avoid so many of the "mistakes" I thought I had made with my daughter. I was going to have a completely natural labor. I would wait to start solids until he was 6 months, but would not panic if he did not want to eat solid foods until closer to a year. I also thought that some of my daughter's behaviors were because of things I had done "right," so I would model absolutely positive behavior and my child would delight at my positive example and act so very positive himself.
Instead, so many of my "by the book" attempts failed. I did have a natural labor and delivery, but my recovery was about 28 times harder than with my daughter (who was a forceps-assisted birth). I did wait to start solids until 6 months, but it was ridiculous because my son was absolutely ready for them by 5 months and was so hungry all of the time; instead, I was fixated on an exact date on a calendar. I was so very positive but when my son turned a year old, he was So Very Not. This is when I started to truly realize that going by the book guaranteed absolutely nothing with an individual child. And that...
4. Child as Aggressor is 1,000 times Harder Than Child as Victim.
I was very proud of the fact that our daughter had never hit another child and attributed it to the fact that Will and I were positive people who never hit anyone ourselves. Well. I learned very quickly that not only was that line of thinking complete B.S., it also completely sucks when your child is the one acting as an aggressor toward other children. Nothing breeds empathy faster than learning that your one-year-old is hitting all of the other children at daycare, the teachers are absolutely baffled, and you feel like the world's worst parent. And there is nothing like realizing that in the end, you can guide your child, but cannot truly control their behavior.
3. In the End, It is Just Food.
Oh, food. Did we ever have problems with food. Our daughter did not eat any solid foods at all until she was 9 months old, and this was followed by years of sensory issues, pickiness, food issues, etc., which baffled books and food therapists alike. But today, she is a super healthy, tall 11-year-old who is the least likely of anyone in our family to ever be sick. Our daughter has taught me that In the End, It is Just Food. And speaking of helpful therapists...
2. There is Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Seeking Help.
I had known for a long time that our daughter had sensory issues but we were so afraid of her being "labeled" that we were never aggressive about seeking help. Finally, though, when our daughter was 6 years old and we had moved to Manhattan, we decided to actually talk to people about what kind of therapies might be available for these issues, which led to her doing OT (occupational therapy) and food therapy (by a speech therapist) for a couple of years. These therapies have truly made a world of difference and I can see reverberations of their benefits today. I only wish we had started these interventions years earlier, but am now trying to encourage others by sharing how helpful these therapies can be for sensory issues.
1. The Amount of Love Takes Your Breathe Away.
I had no idea how fierce the love you have for your own child is, or how raw and vulnerable being a parent can be. It is intense joy. It is intense pain. It is messy and it is beautiful. It is simply amazing.
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