The REAL 10 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids

Having information is wonderful, but sometimes I think the media is out to convince us that we are all The Worst Parents Ever. One recent example that has been making the rounds is a Parents magazine article titled, "10 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids" (click here for link). While I understand the sentiment of the article, I think that this article is an example of why I have stopped reading parenting advice articles - you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Instead, I would like to offer up the REAL 10 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids: 

10. Would you like to snort cocaine with me? Because drugs are bad. Incidentally, I just googled "snort cocaine" because I am not sure if it is cocaine or crack that you snort.

9. Why don't you go play naked in the middle of the highway during a blizzard? It might be a little cold. I like to tell my kids that they have to be fully clothed before they can play in the middle of a highway. 

8. Hello, my darling three-your-old-child! Would you like to have a shot glass or a regular glass of Everclear? Really, you should be saving this for yourself. 

7. Do you know what mommy has always wanted to teach you, my four-year-old child? How to smoke!! Because we should Just Say Now to four-year-olds smoking (incidentally, my own 9-year-old daughter thought all of these years of Red Ribbon Week, they were just "saying no" to smoking tobacco). 

6. Can you go feed your baby newborn brother and fill his baby bottle with Diet Coke? Formula feeding vs. breastfeeding - I think we can all agree that both are preferable to giving newborn infants Diet Coke. Again, you should be saving that for yourself. 

5. Mommy and Daddy are going to leave you home alone for 2 weeks straight with no food in the house. Now, we know you are only 2 years old, but we think this is the best way to Learn Independence. At least leave them a credit card to order pizza. 

4. From now on, we are only listening to Justin Bieber in this house! Because that's just cruel. 

3. Reading is like witchcraft so you should never learn. Now, many things are easier when you have a pre-literate child, but there is no need to scare them with ideas like "witchcraft." 

2. All you need to eat is dirt to survive! Kids might need water, too. 

1. I don't love you and I've never loved you. Can all we agree that we ultimately want the same things for our kids? There are so many variables and so many different ways to parent that really, as my friend Charity puts it, about the only hard and fast rule we should have is to love our kids with every fiber of our being. Because in the end, Love Wins.