On Masculinity

I once read an article on how, instead of encouraging girls to “lean in,” we should start encouraging our boys to “lean out.” The premise is we give a message to girls they can be anything boys can be – but the worst thing a boy could be would to be emasculated by liking something a girl enjoyed.

I can relate to this sentiment. I have a son who eschews most traditional masculine pastimes. He does not enjoy sports, either as a spectator or a participant. He is not interested in wrestling or martial arts. He is not even interested in the endeavors permitted for “nerdy” boys – he has no interest in programming or cording or Robotics. He is his own person.

My son’s interests would likely raise few eyebrows if shared by a girl. He enjoys drawing, pottery, art. He loves to swing, bounce on the trampoline, splash in the pool. At recess at school, he enjoys playing imaginative, cooperative games with his fellow peers. After school, he and his friend run through the gravel track, climbing high on the newly installed giant climbing structure. He plays the saxophone and has taken a cooking class. He is involved in our club’s 4-H chapter and attends church services regularly. He has taken part in Future City and Math Counts at school.

Daniel’s interest make him a fully unremarkable, average girl – but one who stands out, is noteworthy, is unusual for a boy. The lack of interest in sports by itself makes Daniel stand out a bit, but, combined with his apparent disdain for any type of computer-related activity as well makes him a square peg in a round hole. It is difficult to know where to place him, how to categorize him, what this projects about the future.

Even I, an attempting-to-be-nonjudgmental person, have gotten spun up at times about my son’s lack of societally endorsed interests. From a young age, I was convinced I just needed to search harder to find the right sports activity that was the ideal fit. I paraded Daniel through gymnastics, soccer, t-ball, martial arts, cross-country, basketball, swimming, golf, tennis, and undoubtedly more I have forgotten. In fact, the only sport I know for a fact that Daniel never tried was flag football, and I would have even encouraged that endeavor had I thought it might be successful. But none of these activities stuck. Daniel is naturally physically active, and his lack of interest in organized sports struck me as odd, unsettling, some failure on my part for my inability to match up his interests with the right organized activity.

But then I wonder, what is wrong with that? What is wrong with being a boy who enjoys climbing on the Neptune at recess and bouncing on our giant trampoline and exploring the creek wearing sloshy rain boots and running across the sidewalk to check out the worms that have emerged? What is wrong with being a boy who loves school and delights in learning new knowledge and would rather draw up an imaginative creative picture than code a computer program? What is wrong with being a boy who would rather be drawn by his own interests than by what society dictates?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with that. Only our society’s version of what being a boy entails is so small, so thin, so narrow, that it is so easy to get caught up in what those slender confines allow that it is easy to miss the magnificent creature right there, who refuses to be pigeonholed by societal expectations, who is unafraid to just be himself. And what a tragedy that would be if we failed to celebrate that victory.