On Grace and Whiplash

One of my favorite pages on Facebook to follow is Humans of New York. This page typically features a picture and a monologue from a random person in New York City.  What is so special about this page is that the comments left are usually very, very positive. One post a few years ago was of a man who had admitted to killing his wife while hallucinating. The comments were uniformly supportive and spoke of the necessity of treating mental health issues.

Yesterday, the featured post was on a woman who had a 1-year-old child. She had taken a 4-month maternity leave (longer than I ever took with either of my children) and spoke of the challenges of trying to balance career goals with being a parent. As a person who passionately loves being a parent and who is also passionate about my career, I could strongly relate to her sentiments. Then I clicked on the comments. Instead of being positive and supportive, the primary responses questioned the woman and her life choices. "Why even have a child if you aren't going to stay home for their first 3 years of life?!?" Another woman chimed in, "I have a hard time respecting anyone who only took a 4-month maternity leave." Still another, "I would NEVER allow someone else to raise my kids!" And on. And on. It was like a train wreck that I could not stop watching. It must have been enough of a train wreck for the whole post to have become derailed, because, when I checked this morning, the entire post had been deleted. 

Being a parent is hard. Being a mom is especially hard. I posted about this on Facebook, that 14 years ago, I went back to work after having Annika. In July 2004, I decided to quit my job to stay home with Annika. Multiple people told me what a good decision that was, because, "When they start kindergarten, you can really tell the kids who have a parent at home - they have a huge advantage!

Fast forward to July 2005. We had decided to move to Florida to pursue our PhDs, and Annika would be starting full-time daycare. Multiple people told me what a good decision that was, because, "When they start kindergarten, you can really tell the kids who have been in daycare - they have a huge advantage!

I still vividly remember the sense of whiplash I had - and the realization that no matter what I did, I was both wholeheartedly right and painfully wrong. 

I have been a full-time working mom for most of my children's lives, and they have almost always been in full-time childcare. Being a full-time working mom is hard. When Annika was younger, though, I was also a full-time at-home mom and a part-time work-from-home home. Both of these roles were also incredibly hard. I truly wish that we can all extend each other grace and support in all of our decisions and beliefs. Because we are really all just doing the best we can.