Smack in the Middle of the Too-Busy Trap

At the middle of Pajama and Movie Night at our kids' school, I had a sudden realization: I am suffering from a (self-imposed) disease. The Busy Disease. A friend posted an insightful article today on how being too busy and too tired and too exhausted and too overwhelmed is The Disease of the Modern Era (click here to read). 

At the moment, I feel like I am like a kid in the toy store who Wants It All! I want to do everything (and I am not doing anything particularly well). I want to be a good mom and wife and daughter and sister and friend. I want to excel in my job. I want to have and to develop meaningful relationships with people. I want to contribute to our church and at the kids' school. I want to exercise and read books and write blog posts and browse Facebook and relax. And almost every day has moments where I feel so busy or overwhelmed that I can hardly breathe, or want to cry, or both. 

I do not work the night shift, nor do I work three minimum wage jobs. I am not a single parent and do not have a deployed spouse. I do not live in the developing world. I have so much less on my plate than so many others. Feeling like I am so busy that I can hardly breathe at times is entirely self-imposed. 

I do not know what the solution is. I have made lists to try to think of responsibilities to cull and all I can think of are things that I would love to add, not cut. Well, I could totally give up all housekeeping  -and have tried that before - but would rather keep CPS away. ;) I have tried adding yoga and meditation and journaling but they end up feeling like yet another box to check in a crammed day. 

But really, deep down inside, I know why I am too busy. I have re-written this paragraph seemingly dozens of times, but it comes down to the fact that for me, being so busy is a way of keeping the threat of depression at bay. I worry that if I were to slow down, that instead of feeling a sense of peace and relief, I would only feel emptiness and despair. And I wonder if this is true with anyone else, and if we fill our days with activities and goals and projects so that we can keep our heads above water. 

In the end, I think that a life that is Too Busy but filled with what we love is still a Messy, Beautiful Life. And ultimately, that it is a price I am willing to pay.