Keeping It Real

Recently, I have talked with or communicated with several people whose children have had struggles in certain areas, and they have felt very isolated, alone, and that they are the only one who has faced that particular issue. I think we are sometimes hesitant to talk about major or minor challenges that our kids have had, partly because we may fear judgment or embarrassment, but also because we want to protect our kids' privacy, especially as they grow older.

But I think that sometimes, staying silent about issues that our children have faced or ways in which they have been "behind" in a developmental area does a disservice to other parents, by making it seem as though they are all alone in facing in challenges that arise. In an effort to Keep It Real and to provide encouragement to other parents whose children might be encountering the same issues, here are some are of the challenges that our children have had:

10. I took Zoloft (an antidepressant) during the pregnancy of my daughter. Shortly after she was born, several studies came out about babies having withdrawal effects if their mother had taken this drug during the third trimester of pregnancy. These babies were also more likely to have breathing problems. I remember feeling like I had screwed up from the start, but ironically, my child who was exposed to Zoloft during pregnancy and while breastfeeding has had zero breathing problems, while my other child is prone to them all the time. 

9. My daughter was delivered with forceps. There are all kinds of articles about how forceps are the Worst Ever and can cause brain and skull damage, but I actually had a much easier recovery and a healthier baby with this delivery as compared to my completely natural one. 

8. My son did not nurse for almost 24 hours after birth. This was a catastrophe to me at the time because all that I had read talked about the "magical four hours" and that all was lost if you did not nurse in this time, but considering he went on to nurse for two years, it worked out all right. 

7. My daughter was saying zero (0!) words at 18 months, which is several standard deviations below the mean of what is considered "typical." Once she hit two years old, full sentences erupted and language poured forth, but it was a lonely time for a while, especially when well-meaning people would advise us to be sure we were talking to our baby (which was very well-intended but with the implication that we obviously must not be or else our daughter would be talking, which made me feel terrible at the time).

6. My son did not even begin the process of being potty trained until 3 years, 7 months. He was very verbal and would say things like, "I will use the potty when I am an adult. Or when I graduate from college." No amount of incentives would change things - instead, one day out of the blue, he decided to wear underwear and that was that. 

5. Well, except that my son is still not night trained at six years old. I was convinced at first that we must be the only person whose child struggled with this, until talking to people and hearing that this is still common in about 10% of seven-to-ten-year old children, especially boys, and is still well within the realm of "normal."

4. My son had so many behavioral problems at the age of four that we seriously thought we perhaps needed professional help (as it turns out, we did not - many children at four are crazy and make you think you have failed at parenting, but are actually fine). Things so very much better today now that he is six years old - and we as parents really did nothing differently. 

3. My daughter was in occupational therapy and feeding therapy for several years for sensory issues from when she was six until she was eight years old. Fearing judgment, I had denied to myself for years that there was perhaps a problem, but once we started therapy, we watched her make amazing progress - and she is truly a different person today. 

2.My son is still not really reading at the age of six. I kind of feel like we Messed Up since we purposefully decided not to really work with him on how to read before kindergarten with the hope he would be less bored in school. Joke's on us! Perhaps I should be, but I am not really worried because he is so bright and inquisitive and engaged, and I hope this means that when fluent reading emerges, it will flourish. 

1. My favorite story about issues with our children: When our children were five and one years old, one day we received two independent phone calls from their experienced daycare/elementary school teacher about two completely different problems. Each discussion began, "I've never seen anything like this!" My daughter had shut down and was refusing to write the letter "K," while my son was hitting everyone at daycare not due to frustration, but due to glee. Oh yes, that's our children....they never read the parenting books on how they were supposed to react, either. (I am proud to report that my son no longer hits people...and my daughter writes the letter "K" regularly.)

And all of this to say - my children are amazing, awesome, healthy, and thriving. They are bright, creative, curious, and unique. There is no one in the world like them - as they would say, just like everyone else. Sometimes it has felt like that if I had done everything "right" there never would have been challenges or developmental lags, but I truly feel that our children are their own unique packages and we never know what will happen. 

My hope is that we can all Keep It Real and be open about the challenges that our children have faced or worries we have had. So if these are issues that your children are facing, take heart - you are so not alone. And odds are, your child will be even better than fine.