A Celebration of Six Years - Lessons Learned from Daniel D.

Today marks a very momentous occasion...our Daniel D. is six years old. Six! Six seems so much older than five - two hands, firmly into elementary school, firmly out of the toddler and preschool years and into the time of middle childhood. Six is truly Not a Baby Anymore. 

When Daniel was born in Orlando, Florida, six years ago to this day, I thought I knew all about being a mom. I already had a four-year-old daughter and I thought I had figured out most things about parenting. But I was so very wrong. In honor of Daniel's six full years on earth, here are Six Lessons Learned from Daniel D.: 

6. All about Boys

I come from a family of girls. It is just my sister and me in my immediate family. Seven out of nine cousins are girls. My mom is one of four sisters. Consequently, I knew nothing about boys. My only child before Daniel was born was my daughter, and I developed a strong mental script that my second child would be a daughter, too, named Adelaide Rose (we had already decided on the nick-name Addie), who would wear all of Annika's old clothes and would be a re-enactment of the two-girl-family that my own sister and I had shared growing up.

When the ultrasound technician announced at the 20-week visit that the baby I was carrying was a boy, I was incredulous. "Are you sure??" Consequently, one of our ultrasound pictures was labeled "BOY" with a not-so-subtle arrow. I panicked, because I thought I had no idea of how to raise a boy. Well. As it turns out, boys are children, too (just like girls)...but are so very awesome in their own, distinct away. The amount of love and exuberance and boy-ness that my son has is so over-powering that it can bring me to tears. Of joy. Usually. ;) 

5. Going By the Book Guarantees Nothing 

This was one of those things that I thought I had figured out from my daughter, but I really did not. With Daniel, I was determined to avoid so many of the "mistakes" I thought I had made with Annika. I was going to have a completely natural labor. I would wait to start solids until he was 6 months but would not panic if he did not want to eat solid foods until closer to a year. I also thought that some of Annika's behaviors were because of things I had done "right," so I would model absolutely positive behavior and my child would delight at my positive example and act so very positive himself. 

Instead, so many of my "by the book" attempts failed. I did have a natural labor and delivery, but my recovery was about 28 times harder than with Annika (who was a forceps-assisted birth). I did wait to start solids until 6 months, but it was ridiculous because Daniel was absolutely ready for them by 5 months and was so hungry all of the time; instead, I was fixated on an exact date on a calendar. I was so very positive but when my son turned a year old, he was So Very Not. This is when I started to truly realize that going by the book guaranteed absolutely nothing with an individual child. And that...

4. Child as Aggressor is 1,000 times Harder Than Child as Victim

I was very proud of the fact that Annika had never hit another child and attributed it to the fact that Will and I were positive people who never hit anyone ourselves. Well. I learned very quickly that not only was that line of thinking complete B.S., it also completely sucks when your child is the one acting as an aggressor toward other children. Nothing breeds empathy faster than learning that your one-year-old is hitting all of the other children at daycare, the teachers are absolutely baffled, and you feel like the world's worst parent. And there is nothing like realizing that in the end, you can guide your child but cannot truly control their behavior. 

3. How to Balance Work and Life

When Daniel was born, I was completely off balance with work and life. I was at the end of my 3rd year of a PhD program and was completely and utterly obsessed with work. I would usually go into the office and work all weekend, leaving Will and Annika behind to hang out at home or go on father-daughter adventures across Orlando. Looking back, I am appalled at how off-balance I had become. 

Having Daniel utterly rocked my world and was a huge slap in the face with the fact that I was a work-a-holic. Six years later, I still do not feel that I have completely gotten my Work Mojo back, but I feel 110% better balanced. I hope that I would have made this realization on my own at some point, but having Daniel immediately made a much better, more present, and more balanced mother. And I am so very thankful for that. 

2. How to be a Mom of Children Instead of a Child  

Before Daniel was born, I was the mother of a child. After Daniel was born, I was the mother of children. The difference is subtle but huge. With children, there are so many complex interactions and dynamics between them that you as a parent cannot always manage or intervene. There is a much higher level of chaos. There is the sense that it is impossible to ever fully attend to the needs of both. Parents of six children are probably laughing outrageously because two is really not that many children, but I have learned so much since Daniel's entrance into our lives about what it is like to manage the interaction between children. And how it is possible to love two people so deeply who are so different. 

1.  How to Live with Joy . 

Daniel is the person in our family who truly embodies Pure Joy. Seeing Daniel's pure excitement over finding a roly poly, creating imaginary rhyming words, asking questions about black holes, stomping in the snow, doing whatever Annika is doing - in all of these activities, Daniel  feels emotions deeply and the highs are intensely high. Having Daniel in our lives reminds us that there is so much joy, all around us, every day.

Happy 6th Birthday, Daniel D.! It is a joy and an honor to be your mother, and I am grateful every single day for the lessons you have taught me. We love your hilarious observations, your deep questions, your love of Star Wars and Legos, and the way you feel joy so deeply.  I love you, buddy!!