The Too-Busy Trap

Every few months or so, I realize that I am suffering from a disease. Specifically: The Busy Disease. Which is not surprising at all - after all, being too busy and too tired and too exhausted and too overwhelmed is The Disease of the Modern Era. 

At the moment, I feel like I am like a kid in the toy store who Wants It All! I want to do everything (and I am not doing anything particularly well). I want to be a good mom and wife and daughter and sister and friend. I want to excel in my job. I want to have and to develop meaningful relationships with people. I want to contribute to our church and at the kids' schools. I want to exercise and read books and write blog posts and browse Facebook and relax. And almost every day has moments where I feel so busy or overwhelmed that I can hardly breathe, or want to cry, or both. 

I do not work the night shift, nor do I work three minimum wage jobs. I am not a single parent and do not have a deployed spouse. I do not live in the developing world. I have so much less on my plate than so many others. Feeling like I am so busy that I can hardly breathe at times is entirely self-imposed. 

I do not know what the solution is. I have made lists to try to think of responsibilities to cull and all I can think of are things that I would love to add, not cut. Well, I could totally give up all housekeeping  -and have tried that before - but would rather keep CPS away. ;) I have tried adding yoga and meditation and journaling but they end up feeling like yet another box to check in a crammed day.

But really, deep down inside, I know that for me, being so busy is a way of keeping the threat of depression at bay. I worry that if I were to slow down, that instead of feeling a sense of peace and relief, I would only feel emptiness and despair. And I wonder if this is true with anyone else, and if we fill our days with activities and goals and projects so that we can keep our heads above water.

But even still, in the midst of all of my busy-ness, I have a simply wonderful, beautiful, irreplaceable life. And I wouldn't change that for a thing. 

We Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage

[Photo Credit Amy Meng Photography]

I have a confession to make. Do you know all of those articles about spouses who can walk into a room with a sink full of dirty dishes, completely oblivious to the mess all around them, then walk out? Or can walk into a room where one spouse is madly folding laundry and not process that the helpful thing to do would to offer to help? Most of the time these articles are written from the perspective of the wife who is crazy about her husband's lack of help around the house. Only in our house, this is often . . . reversed.

I have been reflecting recently on the different attitudes toward housework that my husband, Will, and I bring to the table. We have been married for over 18 years, and when we were first married, in our tiny 404-square-apartment, we divided up the jobs that needed to be done evenly. One of my assigned tasks was scrubbing the bathtub. I dutifully scrubbed it one day -- and then found out later that my sweet husband had actually re-scrubbed the whole tub without saying a word to me, because it was still so dirty that he did not realize it has actually been cleaned. And this was the first clue that perhaps we viewed household jobs through a different lens. I viewed them as a transaction, a contract, something that we each agreed to do our share and then did. Will viewed them as something larger, part of the new family unit that we had now created, in which responsibility transcended any one person and was shared throughout the whole unit. And that was eye-opening to me.

Will and I were married very young and I feel like in many ways we have grown up together, with our lives entangled together so much that it is often hard to see where one person's influence ends and the other begins. But I am positive that Will is the influence in my life that has single-handedly broadened my view of what it means to truly love another person. I realize that this sounds like a ridiculous statement, because Will is the only person that I ever even really dated, so how could this not be true?! Nevertheless, when we were first married, I think that I approached the idea of love almost as a barter system. You do something nice for me, then I do something nice for you, and then we will all love each other and live happily ever after!

The problem with the "barter system" approach to love is that it is fleeting. Does that mean that when you have had a stressful day, come home, and snap at your spouse, that they might think that you no longer truly love them? Or that you yourself are no longer truly worthy of being loved? I struggled with those fears. Will has the patience of a saint, but I can easily lash out, especially if I am, heaven forbid, hungry. ;) So I would lash out, and worry. Or not contribute enough, and worry. Worry, worry, worry.

I wish I had a cute story, or a witty anecdote, or something concrete that I could point to about when my attitude about love changed from a "barter system" mentality to one of "unconditional love." Alas, no such factoid exists. But over time, I gradually realized that love means that we both value the needs of our marriage and family above any of our individual needs. So sometimes, I do more. And sometimes (okay, most of the time? all the time?), Will does more. And sometimes, someone re-cleans the bathtub for you without expecting anything in return. And if that isn't true, unconditional love, then I don't know what is.

The Last 20 Books of 2016

I started the year with a reading challenge, where I was trying to read books that fit into certain categories, such as a "book set in your home state" and "a political memoir." (Click here for the original list). However, I ended up abandoning it because after making it about halfway through the challenge, reading was turning into a slog and was no longer a joy. So here are the books that I read in the second half of the year, just because I felt like them. #37 was the most powerful novel I read all year, and I am getting so much joy from #39. On the other hand, #21 was my biggest disappointment of the year.  

21. Paper Towns, by John Green (a book set in your home state) (Okay, Orlando/Winter Park, Florida) - This book took me a MONTH to read (it should have taken a few hours) because I just could not get into it. I loved TFIOS by the same author and was excited that this was set in Winter Park/Orlando, where we used to live. It's a young adult story about a high school senior obsessed with the girl next store, who goes missing. But I just did not care about the characters and it was a drag to read.

22. 10% Happier, by Dan Harris (a self-help book) - I picked up this book because of the title - who wouldn't want to be 10% happier?! It's a book on meditation. The author is an ABC news anchor who is funny and a decent writer, but seems to struggle with how to be a "nice" person. I envied reading the book, but I still really have no desire to start meditating.

23. When to Rob a Bank, by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner (a book from an airport bookstore) - I picked this up in the airport bookstore for something to read on my flight. It is by the authors of Freakonomics, and is a collection of blog posts they've written over the last 10 years on various economics topics. I like these types of musings, although it is a bit annoying just how high the authors' opinions of themselves is.

24. All the Bright Places, by Jennifer Niven (a book about mental illness) - amazing book. It's YA but anyone who has ever been a teenager or has struggled with mental illness (or knows someone who has) would love it. It's about two high schoolers with very different backgrounds who find themselves united by their underlying problems.

25. Girl at War, by Sara Novic (a book about war) - another amazing book!! It was recommended on "TheSkimm" and I am so glad I read it. The book takes place in the Croatian civil war in the 1990s, and in the U.S. a decade later. It's about coming of age, the loss of innocence, what family means, what its like to be an immigrant, and so much more. Highly recommended.

26. Middle School Makeover, by Michelle Icard (a parenting book) -  A parenting guide to the middle school years, with half the book devoted to understanding development and the other half to giving practical suggestions to common problems. It was recommended in an article on tween girls and was a fast read. Nothing earth shattering but lots of good points.

27. Traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamott (a book I re-read) - this is a book I had previously read about 5 years ago. We read about a chapter a week this year in my church group but didn't quite finish it, so I finished it up this weekend. It's a spiritual memoir with her thoughts on faith. I really enjoyed it, especially discussing with others.

28. Blind Spot: Hidden Biases of Good People, by Mahzarin Banaji and Anthony Greenwald (a book about research) - This is a book summarizing a lot of the research the authors have conducted on "blindspots," or implicit/hidden biases. The authors are the originators of the "implicit bias tests," which generally show that people harbor in-group biases and implicitly favor people who have characteristics similar to themselves, even if they aren't consciously aware of it. It was a quick read and easy to understand.

29. Recipes for a Beautiful Life, by Rebecca Barry (a book to restart my reading habit) - This is a memoir that is structured as collection of essays over several years involving a woman who is raising her two young boys and trying to balance writing a novel, renovate an old house, and deal with "life" stuff. The essays are all related but are stand-alone, so it's a good one to read if your reading will be disrupted. I didn't always agree with all of the choices the author made but loved the writing style and the way she captured so much that is true about parenting.

30. First Comes Love, by Emily Giffin (a book read entirely on an airplane) - I read this from start to finish entirely on the plane ride over to London. I loved Emily Giffin's early work, and then thought it started to go downhill. This was better than some of her recent stuff and was a fast read. It's told from the alternating perspective of two sisters who are dealing with the aftermath of their brother's death 15 years later.

31. Finding Audrey, by Sophie Kinsella (a book by an author I love that I'd never read) - This is by the author of the very light and breezy "Shopaholic" books, but is for young adults. It is about a girl who had a nervous breakdown and now has severe social anxiety. It sounds depressing but it's actually sweet and really fun (and a fast read).

32. The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry, by Rachel Joyce (a book about a journey) - I started this book a long time ago and had to return it to the library early on, but I picked it up again our trip, since it is set in England. It's about a retired man who makes a 600-mile walking trip to see an old friend who is dying. It's also about the relationship with his wife and how this journey slowly revitalizes it. It unfolds slowly but is so sweet.

33. Animal Farm, by George Orwell (a book about communism) - This was on my Kindle and I read it on the flight. I hadn't read it since we studied it in high school. It is a very fast read. The book is an allegory about communism and is even more heavy-handed than I remembered.

34. Everything, Everything, by Nicola Yoon (a book about illness) - I really liked this book!! It is a lot like "The Fault in Our Stars" and is about a girl with a compromised immune system who can't go outside at all. Then she falls in love with a boy who lives next door. Definitely recommended!

35. Defending Jacob, by William Landay (a book about murder) - This is another book I have been wanting to read for a long time but finally had the chance go on the flight home. It reminded me a lot of "Presumed Innocent" and is a novel about a DA whose son is accused of murder. A really fast and engaging read. Recommended!

36. A Thousand Naked Strangers, by Kevin Hazzard (a book about medicine) - I read this upon the year-end recommendation of friends. It's the memoir of a man who worked as an EMT and later a medic at Grady Hospital in Atlanta. Very fast read and both enjoyable and eye-opening. I told my husband that my main takeaway was how underpaid EMTs are! 

37. The Underground Railroad, by Colton Whitehead (a book about slavery) - This is the most powerful novel I read in 2016 and is highly recommended. It is a novel about slavery and oppression in America. It's historical fiction but more magical realism in parts than true historical accuracy (for example, the "Underground Railroad" is a real, functioning railroad in this account). The basic plot is about a young woman who is a slave on a Georgia plantation who runs away; her journey takes her to a variety of states where racism takes a different form in each one.

38. Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman, by Lindy West (a feminist memoir) - This is a memoir by a female writer organized as a collection of essays covering topics such as feminism, Internet trolls, comedy, and fat acceptance. The book is very sharp, funny, and witty. My one hesitation is that I was very uncomfortable with her essay describing her abortion.

39. Hamilton: The Revolution, by Lin-Manual Miranda and Jeremy McCarter (a book I have not actually finished yet) - Okay, I am definitely cheating by including this book on my list because I have not actually finished it yet - but I am really close!! And we are driving to Colorado tomorrow so I am 100% certain I will have it finished before the year is up. This has the complete lyrics of the entire soundtrack of Hamilton, along with copious footnotes, photographs, and facts about the creation of the show. I am now even more stocked to see the show next year!! 

What good or bad books did you read this year?

Adopt-A-Family

I love Christmas and Advent and preparing for Jesus's birth. I despise shopping and picking out presents and fighting crowds and did I mention shopping? One of the most glorious things that has happened in recent years has been that my husband and I no longer purchase any gifts for each other or for the adults in any of our families. Unsentimental? Unfeeling? Perhaps, but I choose to call it the greatest blessing.

But one Christmas tradition that we participate it exposes my direct conflict with my desire to celebrate Jesus's birth with a cheerful and happy spirit along with my almost equally strong desire to avoid all things retail this time of year: Adopt-A-Family. One of the local women's groups in our community sponsors this program every year, which provides the opportunity to sign up to provide Christmas gifts for children and families in need in our community.  Families that meet criteria sign up and fill out a "wish list," and are then matched with other families/organizations who purchase all Christmas gifts for the family that year. All gifts are tangible items (no cash or gift cards are to be given), which means that shopping is a necessity.

We have participated in Adopt-A-Family for a number of years now, but no year has broken my heart quite like this year's family. Usually, we have been matched with a family that has a number of enjoyable toys or fun gift ideas for their children on their list. This year, our family was a single mom with two kids, a teenager and an elementary-aged child. On their list were items such as, "boots," "winter coat," "pants" "tops," and "sheets."

So here was a family whose children's desires for Christmas were items such as a warm coat and fresh sheets, but did I have a servant's heart while out shopping? Oh, hardly. We went to Target yesterday to procure all of the items, and I think that every single person in our town must have been visiting the store at the same time. It was crowded, and hot, and nothing was available in the sizes that we were looking for, and I was grumpy and stressed that I would pick out items that the children would hate and I would ruin their Christmas. I even thought to myself - maybe next year we should just donate money to this organization instead, because the pressure of trying to pick out items of clothing that a teenager might like was evidently too much for me.

Just like every year, though, I think that God was at work in my heart, again, and gently reminded me how our family is incredibly lucky to have all of our needs met, and we have an abundance of resources to share with others. And there is no need to travel to Africa on a mission trip to meet the needs of our world - there are people in our community, right next to us, who we can give to and hope to make their lives better in some small way.

I am not sure why there is a tradition of giving gifts at Christmas time to celebrate Jesus's birth. But I am certain that Jesus calls us to give to those in need with a cheerful heart year-round, and what better time at Christmas than to practice that act? And I am incredibly thankful for this reminder, and for the joy that is found in giving. And even in shopping. ;)

Why Your Body is Not Your Masterpiece

I read a fabulous blog a few years ago by Glennon Doyle Melton called, "Your Body is Not Your Masterpiece." I haven't read the post since it first came out, but I found myself thinking of its sentiments today.

I have long been obsessed with my body. Specifically, how much my body weighed on a scale at every single possible time of the day.  I think this began when I entered puberty, when I suddenly gained a bunch of weight and felt awkward and bulky and out of sorts. From when I was around 12 years old onward, I started weighing myself multiple times a day. I weighed myself so many times every day that the batteries in one of our family scales died after a few years of being subjected to this regular torture.

And this obsession with weight is something that never really went away. I developed an eating disorder in late high school, marched on, and then had several unhealthy encounters with weight as an adult. Until a few months ago, I continued weighing myself multiple times a day, sometimes up to 10 times a day, all in an effort to stay on top of my weight.

I think I was obsessed with weight because I had bought into the lie that our culture sells, that Your Body Is Your Masterpiece. I think that weight mattered so much to me because I did not consider the rest of my body attractive at all -- and so was convinced that I had to stay on top of my weight at all costs.

I am very proud to report that I have not weighed myself since the end of July. I am 100% positive this is the longest I have ever gone in my life without stepping on a scale. I am positive that I have gained weight in this period of time since I am no longer micro-monitoring everything (and the fact that my clothes seem to not fit as well now is further evidence . .  .), but I don't ultimately care because I feel like I have finally broken through and gotten rid of this ridiculous obsession.

What this whole experience has shown me is that Your Body is NOT Your Masterpiece . . . your body is, as the essay by this name articulates, a tool. Like any tools, those that are taken care of regularly will be able to perform much better (so eating well, sleeping enough, exercising regularly, and all of those boring things like flossing really do matter), but ultimately, it's what we create with our tool that is important. No one is interested in Michelangelo's paintbrush . . . they are much more interested in the Sistine Chapel that he used that paintbrush to create.

May we all work together to rid ourselves of whatever demons we might face -- and come together in the support of the notion that we should celebrate our creations much more than our tools!

On Stewardship

As a CPA and an accounting professor, it is probably not too surprising that I have sat on the Stewardship & Finance committee at my church for the past six years. This is a committee that connects two distinct responsibilities - helping to set and manage the church budget (finance), as well as encouraging people to dig deep in ways that respond to God's love through faithful and generous giving (stewardship). I am comfortable with what it means to carry out the finance role of our church committee. I am much less comfortable in figuring out how to motivate people to increase their levels of stewardship and giving to the church, in part because this is such a personal, private journey for people. My goal is to help shed a little more light on our own family's journey and what stewardship means to us. 

I am someone who is naturally a saver. I saved just about every penny of all of my babysitting jobs as a teenager. I saved almost every bit of the first four years of part-time work. A total stranger once stopped and asked me if I was a tightwad. My nickname among my high school friends was the Frugal Shopper, because I hated spending money. 

But in recent years, I have tried very hard to transform myself from someone who is a "saver" into someone who is also a "giver." I somewhat feel that I cheated at this. I have heard narratives from people in the early throes of marriage, with almost no money, who still managed to tithe and give 10% of all income to the church. This is not my story. When we were broke and had almost no money, we gave almost no money to the church, because I felt depleted and that we had almost nothing left to give. 

Instead, what happened is that my husband and I made a conscious decision when we graduated with our PhDs and began working full-time as professors that we would tithe and give 10% of our earnings to our church. It was a decision we made knowing that our incomes were getting ready to rise, and that we never miss the extra money if we acted as if we never have it. (And can I just say, I feel extremely self-conscious talking about money because it is so personal and value-laden and private and just tacky if you are too open and up front.) 

But through this process, what happened as we started tithing is that my attitude about money slowly started changing. Instead of worrying about maximizing the amount that we saved, I instead tried to challenge myself to maximize what we gave. I began to see opportunities everywhere where we could make a difference, and tried to jump on it. If an organization or an individual or a cause was in need of financial support, I challenged myself to give if possible. 

And one thing I have learned is, the more we open our hearts to giving instead of clinging, the more we are opened to the notion that nothing belongs to us at all, that it all belongs to God, and we are merely charged with being the best stewards that we can. 

Everyone is called to a different journey in life. No one's calling is quite the same. But I know that once I opened my heart to the idea of living generously, rather than living in fear, so much that I thought was impossible began to seem quite possible. And I think that is the essential meaning of stewardship - the idea that all things are possible with God. And what a blessing that is. 

Everything at Once

. . .  As pretty as a picture hanging from a fixture
Strong like a family, strong as I wanna be
Bright as day, as light as play
As hard as nails, as grand as a whale

All I wanna be oh, all I wanna be, oh
All I wanna be is everything
Everything at once
Everything at once, oh
Everything at once  . . . 

I absolutely love this song by Lenka. The first reason is because Lenka has an absolutely beautiful voice. And the second reason is because whenever I heard this song, I think, “ME TOO!!” I feel like my whole goal in life has been to BE EVERYTHING AT ONCE!!!

So many of my life choices have been about finding ways to be everything, all at once. My husband and I somehow found a way to both go back to school to get our PhDs at the same time with a one-year-old daughter in tow at the beginning of our journey. Three years later, when our limited student health insurance suddenly covered maternity benefits, we managed to have another baby. The following year, with a baby and a preschooler and two parents in a PhD program, was the most stressful of our lives. And a year later, we somehow managed to find a solution to The Two-Body Problem of academia and both find great jobs at our alma mater . . . but also had the distinct privilege of being two people who are each very career focused with two children who we love and want to spend as much time as we can with. 

So I feel like my life has been devoted to trying to be EVERYTHING AT ONCE to everyone. And although I have made peace that my house will always be a wreck and I am destined to suffer one series of Pinterest Failures after another, I still want to achieve at everything that I do. My goals when starting at our new jobs were simple: 1. Take Care of My Family and 2. Make Tenure. But then somehow along the way, it changed to also include, 3. Serve on Every Volunteer Organization Possible, and 4. Become an Awesome Runner, and 5. Make the Kids Participate in Every Activity that they Can (even though they don’t really like activities), and, and, and…

It is EXHAUSTING trying to do and be everything at once. I have been struggling with this feeling for years, but I think that I finally hit my breaking point this past month. Like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, I suddenly hit my breaking point with one small addition, when I learned that my son needed weekly vision therapy sessions in a town 65 miles away. And suddenly, my whole endeavor to be EVERYTHING AT ONCE came crashing down. I couldn't be everything at once. It simply wasn't possible. 

I believe that God placed this song in my heart to help me slowly develop a new attitude:

To everything - turn, turn, turn

There is a season - turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal 

A time to laugh, a time to weep . . . 

These words, popularized by the Byrds but originally ascribed in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, have so much power and truth that they take my breath away. "To everything there is a season." A season. It is impossible to do everything at once and do it well. Right now, this is a season with out-of-town medical appointments - but it won't last forever. Just like the baby phase with two crazily stressed parents didn't last forever. And my job isn't to do everything at once, but to simply lean into to the season of life that I am in at the moment and do the best that I can. 

Just like we learn in kindergarten, we sometimes have to Wait Our Turn. There is a time to be a line leader - and a time to be a door holder. There is a time when we will barge full-speed ahead in our careers. And there is a time when we will squeeze in every minute that we can with our children at home because that time is fleeting. And in the end, it is all about embracing the season we are in. Which is a truly beautiful way to live.