Scenes from the Prairie Life Cafe

The café at Prairie Life Bookstore is up an entire flight of stairs and on top of another short set of stairs on the 2^nd floor. The Doris, The Iowa Review, Poets and Writers, and other magazines, flyers, and books are spewed across the counter on the left-hand side of the store. A chalkboard in front of the bar reads out the drinks of the day and the accompanying prices, with the notation, “*Tax included in price*.” At the bar, a barista sits at a high, backless stool, reading a tattered copy of the book Of Military Maneuvers and Tree-Lined Streets that she places face-down on the counter each time customers line up to order.

At the table closest to the bar, a man and a woman sit. The dark-haired woman with chunky glasses clutches her hot drink, half-filled with liquid but never bringing the mug to her lips. “Since he’s retired, he’s definitely become more conservative. It’s very interesting, because he doesn’t necessarily recognize a lot about me.”

Facing her, the man in the paisley shirt nods, his own iced tea with the disposable cup and straw shoved off to the side.   “At some point, you have to look pass the false belief and see the heart behind it.”

The woman interjects, “Well, it’s definitely become more dysfunctional.”

At a table to the right, two women speak to each other rapidly. “I think it’s, like, your space. We have a yoga studio, a coffee shop, a wine bar . . .” she trails off.

The other woman responds, “I guess, like, the reason….” She stirs the liquid in the cup in front of her and takes another breath. “Thank you for sharing.”

These two tables are the only ones occupied by more than one person – all of the remaining tables in the café are single-occupied, each individual typing at a MAC computer.

The bird clock on the wall behind the bar strikes out the time – 12:30 p.m. Nearby, people line up to order, gathering next to a large vat of honey and an empty water pitcher on the counter with no cups nearby. The man and the woman at the first table continue their conversation. “I live, actually, like 3 blocks away. Is it brand spanking new?”

The woman responds, “It’s on the older side of the development. It feels almost city-ish, but not quite. I guess, I was kind of, like, well, I need to be somewhere . . ."

The barista behind the counter calls out, “Quiche!” and a man rises from his chair to pick up the dish. A party of five enters the café, sitting at a high-top table with four bar stools, pulling up a chair for the 5^th member. Each in the party of five pulls out a MAC computer, opens the lid, and stares intently at the screen. The table is silent.

In the silence of the large high-top table, the man and the woman’s conversation carries through the café. “During the school year, there is actually a lot of spare time.” To which the man replies quickly, “Well, I would like to be on the West Coast.”

On Growth and Dying

But I will likely never again have the same growth. This thought pulsed through my head as scenes from that crazy week flashed through my mind. The text that my father-in-law was in the hospital. The decision to remove all life support. Dropping the kids off at school and driving for 2 hours up the long, flat stretches of I-70 to try to reach Dick’s hospital room in time. Arriving in the parking lot only to find that my father-in-law of 20 years had already passed away. Wondering if I should not have stopped for gas, or lingered less at home.

The next few days felt surreal and morbid and unreal. Going shopping with my children for appropriate funeral clothes. Walking into a funeral home with my mother-in-law to plan the cremation services and funeral. Making an appointment on my electronic phone calendar to “Pick up Dick’s ashes – 8:30 a.m.” – only to be topped by the surreal-ness of actually picking up Dick’s ashes at 8:30 a.m., which was itselftopped by the fact that the ashes were delivered in a very nondescript recyclable evergreen grocery bag.

The funeral itself was a beautiful service, with a flag salute and a heartfelt eulogy and the embrace of dozens of friends and strangers alike and dry ham sandwiches put together by a team of invisible women. I thought getting through the funeral would be the hardest part of processing my father-in-law’s death, but I was wrong. The next morning, I arrived at work promptly at 8:30 a.m. and was not able to get out of my van until well after the hour digit on the clock rolled over to 9.

I typed up a message to an online group of friends: “Help, My father-in-law passed away and I am sad. So very sad. I feel selfish saying this because it wasn’t my father who passed away, and my husband has it much worse than I do, and I need to be a rock for him. But I am still sad.” A friend responded, “Grief is just another sign of love.” The intensity of both my grief and my love took my breath away.

Now, some days pass in the chaos of backpacks and homework folders that need to be signed and overdue library books and boiling pots of spaghetti noodles. Other days pass with visceral reminders that my father-in-law is no longer with us, and we will never again in the history of ever be able to talk with him on this earth. A fishing rod leaning to the left-hand side of our dusty garage. You Can’t Always Get What You Want playing on the radio and erupting in a mash-up of organ and choral pulses. The phone ringing with my caller-ID displaying “Dick and Peggy Hageman” in blocky font, when “Dick Hageman” will never be on the other end of the line.  

My grandparents all passed away when I was young and I did not have the same emotional reaction from their deaths. I choked up during my grandmother’s funeral not because she was gone, but because I was not able to sit next to my favorite cousin in the church pew during her funeral service. My own parents’ deaths feel very far into the distant future, a fictional concept that may never come to fruition. My own father sometimes bikes 100 miles a day and my mother often runs more miles in a week than I do. Living through my father-in-law’s death, though, has me recoiling from the realization of how surprising the intensity of both love and grief that can bubble up can be. And I hope I do not have to experience this truth again for a very long time. 

Goodbye to All That

In my own life, no time has been more formative or painful or rewarding or joyful than the five years our family lived in Orlando, Florida. In 2005, my husband and I had a one-year-old baby, family nearby, a beautiful brick Colonial home, and good professional jobs, when we decided to chuck it all and move to Florida to each earn our PhDs. When we arrived in Florida, on the first night, we played a desperate game of Tetris to try to make all of our furniture from our previous four-bedroom house fit inside our new, moldy, two-bedroom apartment. Tears leaked from my face as I exclaimed to my husband that we had made a terrible mistake and needed to figure out a way to move back to our old lives.

And I was so very wrong. Because five years later, when we moved back to Kansas, two PhDs in hand and now with two beautiful children, I had come to love Florida in general and Orlando in particular as passionately and viscerally as I loved my own hometown.

Florida is the land of torrential downpours every afternoon at 4 p.m., ants that bite in bodily regions I never thought possible, infrastructure that means that a metropolitan area of 2 million people only has one non-toll East-West thoroughfare. But Florida is also the land of eternal optimism, of sunny disposition of both the weather and its people, the use of the term “Coke” for any soft drink, the rapid shifts in both the economy and the government, the melting pot of diverse cultures and races and regional backgrounds. Florida is truly the best and the worst of humanity, all thrown into one massive, alligator-invested state.

In Florida, when a party starts at 6:00 p.m., the implication is that 6:00 p.m. is maybe the time you should start thinking about leaving your house to start the agonizing drive on the only East-West thoroughfare. In Florida, flip-flops are worn as casually to the office as Dockers are in the Midwest. The sun in Florida pierces through a rich, cobalt sky all times of the year, driving people indoors during the summer months and resulting in illnesses spiking when it is hottest temperatures outdoors.

My time in Florida was also marked by a shift from being a well-respected, financially comfortable professional to being a poor, broke college student. Learning what it was like to be poor with children was one of the most humbling and embarrassing and memorable parts of Florida. When my daughter’s health insurance did not cover her childhood vaccines, we decided to go to the local health department to obtain her immunizations. During the four-and-a-half hour wait in an overcrowded lobby, we were recruited to be part of a research study targeting “lower-income families” who could learn the art of “better marriage communication.” I felt humiliated at the implication that those who were poor did not know how to communicate with their spouses, but we were broke enough that the $50 Wal-Mart gift card offered as an incentive was enough to lull me into participating.

Living in Florida also helped me realize my husband and I had previously held professional jobs that were afforded a level of respect not typically given to those who were students. As a laser engineer at a large corporation, my husband had previously been wined and dined by professors hoping to win funding from his company. As a student a few months later, these same professors would not even look at him in the hallway. Florida was a time when I realized how dependent I was upon societal approval and how naked I felt when approval was withdrawn.

I was my best self in Florida. I was intellectually alive, connected to strong community in school and church alike. I was my worst self in Florida, living far away from any family and being stripped bare to only myself as a person. When we left Florida, I left behind the most formative years of my life. We now have professional jobs and prestige and financial comfort again. But I will likely never again have the same growth. Or live under that rich, cobalt sky.  

It's Getting Better All the Time

I think it is so easy to focus on all of the ways that the education system for elementary students today is worse than when we went through school ourselves 30+ years ago. From high-stakes testing, the potential loss of classroom anatomy for faculty, a shift away from “traditional” education methods (although another faculty member talks of “New Math” textbooks published in 1954), and the potential loss of autonomy and independence for our youth, it is easy to feel negative and overwhelmed with a sense that elementary education today just isn’t what it used to be. 

Yet I think that in many ways, our children’s elementary education and school experiences are much better in today’s environment than when I was a child. I have based this assessment on the very scientific method of Comparing Anecdotes, which we all know is the most convincing way to make an argument. ;) I went to eight elementary schools in six years, while Annika and Daniel have each attended two elementary schools during their time in grade school (7 years for Annika and 5 years so far for Daniel). Based on this very scientific process, here are 10 ways in which Elementary Education Today is Better than It Used to Be.

10. Before and After School Care – When my mom went back to work when I was in 4^th grade and Julie was in 1^st grade, we became Latchkey Kids. When we moved to Junction City at the beginning of 5^th grade, we became part of a Whole Neighborhood of Latchkey Kids, who did fun things like roam all over frozen ponds, stomp on them until the ice cracked, and lose our shoes. I am not exaggerating when I say That! Was! Awesome! However, as a parent now, I am so, SO happy that both schools we have been a part of (and all of the schools in the district) to have had on-site before- and after-school care, where the children are very well-taken care of. I honestly could not imagine having been a working parent today, especially when I had younger elementary-aged children, without this wrap-around care.

9. STEM Focus – There were some years when I literally had NO science coverage in elementary school, and others where “science” for the year consisted of looking up an encyclopedia article on “the sun.” Our kids have had consistent, hands-on science coverage, from raising chicks and frogs in 2^nd grade to the many STEM clubs available in the after-school program, such as “What’s Inside the Earth?” and “Engineering in Action" to the STEM "special" that is a rotation for all kids just like P.E., music, and art. We love it. 

8. School Lunches – There is much press today over the lack of quality in school lunches. While there is obviously still much room for improvement, I honestly think they are much better, because (1) no one has ever been served green hot dogs and (2) fruits and vegetables are actually a part of every meal instead of a solid rotation of Super Greasy Fried Surprises.

7. Physical Education – This has improved in multiple ways. In every.single.school that I attended, P.E. was only offered once a week; our kids have always had P.E. 2 or 3 times a week at both schools she has attended. Even more importantly, there has been a huge shift to making P.E. focused on life-long health and fitness for all, rather than a potentially humiliating experience of Who Got Picked Last in Gym Class.

6. Special Education – I think this is one of the most amazing changes in the past 30+ years; a much, MUCH greater sensitivity toward children with special needs. I know that when I was in school “retarded” was a word bandied about by children and teachers alike as an insult. And not only that, but I think when I was a child there was a great deal of stigma in being “labeled” – it seemed that parents would go out of their away to avoid having a label attached to a child, even if that meant denying helpful services. I think there is a MUCH healthier attitude today and, in our experiences with our own children, the stigma by all parties been greatly reduced. 

5. Math – I am of two minds of this. On the one hand, I kind of wish that math instruction were more “traditional” with more rote memorization and “kill and drill” exercises. But on the other hand, I love the emphasis on actually understanding the rationale behind concepts such as multiplication.

4. Libraries – At every elementary school that I attended, the library was a very quiet place to be visited with reverence once a week to check out a book (and a place to fear if you were overdue in returning your book). Our children's library experience at their schools in Manhattan are completely the opposite – they can go to the library EVERY DAY to check out a book, and the librarian puts on a variety of hands-on programs. I think that this mirrors the (positive) changes in children’s programming at public libraries, too.

3. Less Competition - Again, another area that I am of two minds about. When I was in school, competition was really emphasized – we would do “Around the World” contests in math to see who was the fastest, lots of competition over spelling, etc. I am a naturally somewhat competitive person and enjoyed it. However, I know that Will hated these types of activities and given our kids' personalities, they are also not big fans as well.. There is a much greater emphasis now on cooperation and teaching the children how to work in teams instead of just throwing them to the wolves. For many students, like our kidsI see this change as a huge positive.

2. Actual Art Class and “Specials” – Out of the 8 elementary schools I attended, one did have an actual art class, so it is probably a stretch to say that no one used to have art specialists. But I love that our children have tons of hands-on art experience at school, including an actual kiln for pottery when they attended Bergman. There are also other interesting “specials” that I never encountered, including Math Enrichment, STEM, and Guidance.   

1. Inclusive – Overall, I think that this is the biggest and most positive change in education. There is such an incredible emphasis now on being inclusive of all children, not bullying, and treating everyone with kindness and respect. When bullying happened when I was a child (pretty much all.the.time, as I am sure it has since the dawn of civilization), the attitude of teachers was “kids will be kids!” I am super happy that there is not only an anti-bullying emphasis, but the children are taught what to do if they encounter such situations. (Annika would always say, “Be a G!” Whatever on earth that was…) When I once talked to Annika about bullying, she responded in shock and said, “No one is bullied at Bergman! We aren’t allowed.”

And beyond that, I love the emphasis on including all children, from making sure that Valentine’s Day cards are made for all students in the class to not sending out birthday invitations at school (unless all are invited). I know that there is a lot of concern that such actions might be going too far in the other direction. But I like to think we are really teaching our children how to live life with kindness and respect.

And I realize that this could be just our own experiences and others' may be vastly different - but - We love our Manhattan, Kansas elementary schools! 

2018 Book Challenge: Books 21 through 30

In 2018, one of my goals was to read 40 books during the year. I think I may have to increase that goal because it is halfway through the year and I just hit 30 books read so far!

21. The Perfect Mother, by Aimee Molloy (a thriller about new mothers) - A psychological thriller about a group of first-time moms, one of whose baby goes missing after a moms’ night out. Fast read and really nails the anxieties of new motherhood.

22. Unwanted Advances: Sexual Paranoia Comes to Campus, by Laura Kipnis (a nonfiction book for book group) - We are heading this for book group and I am really glad I read it because it brought to light issues in higher education I had no idea about - even when I disagreed with the author in places or wished it had had more statistics/data instead of several long anecdotes. The book focuses on Title IX complaints in higher education and how such processes often resemble witch trials with little due process.

23. Sing, Unburied, Sing, by Jesmyn Ward (a novel that won the National Book Award) - This book was a National Book Award winner and is one I have checked out several times but never got around to reading. I’m so glad I gave it another go. The story centers around a family in rural Mississippi, and is alternatively told from the point of views of a drug-addicted mom and her son. The story is heart-breaking and sad. But so very good.

24. I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness, by Austin Channing Brown (a book about race) - Reflective, first-person narrative about growing up and living as a Black female. Quick read and lots of powerful examples of the kinds of microaggressions that can be exhausting to live through.

25. When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing, by Daniel Pink (a book about research on time) - Non-fiction book on research about timing - beginnings, middles, ends. For example, did you know that people whose age is 29, 39, 49, etc. are 48% more likely to run a marathon for the first time? And one study showed that the number 1 predictor is whether you like your boss is how quickly your boss responds to your email? And that the best predictor of your rating of a vacation is the end of a vacation? I love learning facts like this so enjoyed the book. The practical tips at the end of each chapter were also interesting!

26. Far From the Tree, by Robin Benway (a YA novel about adoption) - This is a YA novel about adoption - the perspective of both being a child who is adopted, as well as a mother who gives up her child in an adoption. I have no personal experience with adoption, but as an outsider, thought the book was very sweet and well done. I loved the characters and was engrossed with the story!

27. Educated: A Memoir, by Tara Westover (a memoir) - Wow. Most engrossing book of 2018 I’ve read so far. It’s a memoir of a woman who grew up with extreme survivalist parents who later goes on to earn a PhD from Cambridge. It’s also a story of the kinds of manipulations and abuse that can make families so toxic - and the price we pay if we choose a different path from our family. Highly recommended.

28. Everything Happens for a Reason, and Other Lies I’ve Loved, by Kate Bowler (a memoir about dying) - This is a memoir written this year by a 35-year-old theology professor who discovers she has Stage IV colon cancer. It’s similar to “When Breath Becomes Air” and “The Bright Hour” but with more discussion on God/theology. A lot of the focus is on how the “prosperity gospel” can be so harmful and hurtful to people.

29. The Wife Between Us, by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen (a psychological thriller) - This is a psychological thriller in the same vein as “Gone Girl” and “Girl on a Train.” The first half is great and kept me riveted. I did not think the second half is as strong. But I still read the whole book in a day and really wanted to see how it ended, so it definitely kept me entertained.

30. Surprise Me, by Sophie Kinsella (a palate cleansing book) - I am a huge fan of Sophie Kinsella when I am in the mood for a "palate cleansing" book. This one fit the bill - light and airy and funny. I had a hard time buying the whole premise (that a wife and her husband were freaked out discovering they were so healthy that they had 68 more years together) but the book kept me entertained and was a fun distraction.


What good (or bad) books have you read recently?? 

2018 Reading Challenge: Books 11 through 20

In 2018, one of my goals was to read 40 books for the year. I am halfway to that mark right now! 

11. Exit West, by Mohsin Hamid (a book on Obama’s reading list) - A novel about two young people who fall in love in an unnamed country being split apart by civil war. They flee to Greece, then to England, then to the U.S It is beautiful, provocative look at what it means to be a refugee.

12. The Book of Joy, by the Delai Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Abrams (a book that is like free therapy) - This book is the culmination between a week-long interview and collaboration between the Delai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. These men are from different religious traditions but have much in common about the ingredients needed for a joyful life - perspective, acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, generosity, humility, and humor. I felt like I was getting a free therapy session! Highly recommended!

13. This Is How It Always Is, by Laurie Frankel (a book about a transgender child) - This is a novel about a family with a transgender child. I had never read anything from this perspective before - and learning more about the kinds of decisions such families have to make was very eye-opening. More than anything, though, it’s a really good novel about domestic life.

14. The Woman in the Window, by A.J. Finn (a psychological thriller) - This is a psychological thriller in the same realm as “Gone Girl” or “Girl on the Train” - tons of twists and turns, and nothing is as it seems. Really fun page turner!

15. On Living, by Kerry Egan (a book for church book group) - What a beautiful book!! Our church is doing a book study on this book this month - but I think anyone, of any faith or non-faith background, would love it. The author is a hospice chaplain and the book is a collection of essays on encounters with her patients. A fast read and really uplifting.

16. Forever..., by Judy Blume (a book due a research study) - Annika and I took part in a research study where we each have to read this book, and then come back and discuss. I read the book in one sitting tonight. It’s a YA novel about young love - and sex. Some fairly explicit descriptions of sex. I was worried that it would be uncomfortable, but our research study discussion was amazing! 

17. An American Marriage, by Tayari Jones (an Oprah’s book club selection) - What a powerful book. The story focuses on a black couple who have been married about a year, when the husband is falsely accused of rape and sent to prison. The book focuses on the aftermath to him and his wife. Sad but very good.

18. Force of Nature, by Jane Harper (a mystery set in Australia) - This is a mystery novel set in Australia, and is a sequel to the novel “The Dry.” Its premise is about a group of women who go on a corporate retreat, and one woman goes missing. I thought it was well-written but a little slow and hard to get engaged with for a while. But I enjoyed reading the book.

19. Every Note Played, by Lisa Genova (a novel about ALS) - This novel is by the author of “Still Alice,” and focuses on a concert pianist in his 40s who develops ALS. The book also focuses on his relationship with his ex-wife age daughter, who are ultimately involved in his care. This book cemented that ALS is an absolutely devastating, swift, and cruel disease.

20. Lincoln in the Bardo, by George Saunders (a novel for book club) - What an odd book. I feel like I am not smart enough to fully appreciate it. The story centers around the death of Willie Lincoln (President Lincoln's beloved son) and his entrance into the "bardo," a place between life and death. I really liked the element of the novel that showed how inaccuracies and misinformation can be entered into history, but feel like I missed its larger point. 

What good (or bad) books have you read recently??

On Death and Dying

My father-in-law passed away very suddenly last week and his funeral was yesterday. It was a beautiful service. But today I am sad. So very sad. This morning, I was struggling to get out of the van and go into work because everything feels so hard. I feel selfish saying this because it wasn’t my dad who passed away, and my husband has it much worse than I do, and I need to be a rock for him, but I am still sad. 

I have not done much work the past week, but was thinking that today I would be able to get right back to it, since the funeral has passed and this is exactly 1 week since his passing. And I have been so surprised by what a struggle it has been to focus today. I taught a condensed class this spring, so am not teaching right now - and I think that having all of this open time to work on research means all of this open time to sit and THINK, which is not the most helpful distraction.

I have gotten wonderful advice from friends to just focus on breathing, getting through the hour, and being kind in this time of transition. And I am trying to just focus on that, but sometimes it feels easier than others.

Here is my biggest take-away: The intensity of grief you feel for someone's passing may surprise you. But I think that is just a sign of love. And I am trying to channel grief into love.

Life is short, dear ones. Embrace each day. Life is beautiful. Hold your loved ones close.